“I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I launder dirty money. You should see my washing machine. (It’s filthy!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the love machine of desire. I’m easy to operate. Just pull on my lever.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A feather taped to a vibrator is a tickling machine to induce hunger, and NOT a sex toy. So you won’t have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“So I am to be Robert’s replacement. On the one hand, there is no pressure, because it’s not like I am replacing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My computer set-up is crazy. I have wireless set up on my iMac, aimed at a router, which itself is perfectly angled… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name was Penny, and she was good looking. She wasn’t a dime, but she wasn’t a nickel either. If there were… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Apple is the Ferrari of the computer world. I’m not sure if the “engine” is superior, however, but the frame sure is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I refuse to dispense chewable advice for free. I’m not a bubblegum machine. No, my fees are 25 cents higher.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brilliant as I am, think how profound… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A boring machine, would it drill holes—or put you to sleep? The two-party political system, that’s a boring machine, though voters are… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After I had my computer about a month, I finally figured out how to turn it on. (Hint: hitting it in various… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s a naked woman on the phone for you,” Orafoura said. ”Have my clone get it,” I said. “I’m having a conversation with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A trophy isn’t about the hardware, the gold-painted statue mounted on marble, it’s about the recognition of excellence. A trophy is a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Through the machine I want access to Agatha’s mind. What machine? The Orafoura Gigometer Dream Accesser 4000 (The Utopian version, not the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two days from now I invented a time travel machine out of my neighbor’s washing machine. I can’t go back yet, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you bring bring the karaoke machine, I'll bring the air guitar. Also, if you bring two brings, like I just brought,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I converted an old bubble gum machine into a Love Dispenser, and charged a quarter for some love, then people probably… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you were running away from me, down a straight hallway with an oiled hardwood floor, and I had a machine gun… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
