Humor Quotes · Page 502

I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.

— Dylan Moran

“Give me down. And give me the Polaroids of the fifty geese that had to die in the process.”

— Augusten Burroughs

A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon.

— Steel City News

I would like to explore comedy, I want to do more theatre, and I definitely want a future in film. I love…

— Jessica Raine

An aphorism and its author aren't joined by a dash, but separated by it.

— John Alejandro King

“I was right. Mrs. Patterson is neat and organized. She cannot be trusted.”

— Matthew Dicks

I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell?

— Andy Warhol

Once you have heard a strange audience burst into laughter at a film you directed, you realize what the word joy is…

— Chuck Jones

I would say, generally speaking, though it is not always the case, comedy is probably the least gratifying for most composers because…

— James Newton Howard

Comedy comes from tragedy, and being Iranian in America from 1979 on had been quite tragic. In stand-up comedy, I was able…

— Maz Jobrani

“Humor, drama, romance, whatever genre of entertainment you create or consume is only effective if it is challenging to your sensibilities. When…

— Christy Leigh Stewart

“It had been a nice night, but not one they’d repeat. Like, ever. Why was he dialing his phone? A few rings…

— Christine Price

I don't like swearing on the air. As a matter of fact, I'm not a prude, but... I watch HBO and some…

— Brian Lamb

When you make comedy, you make it for the people and you try to have as many screenings and as many tests…

— Chris Rock

“...Do you need a hug?” Payton asked with a smile. Ryann chuckled as Payton walked around the kitchen cabinet and held open…

— Robin Alexander

“ I’m sorry , the message said. The theft was a violation of privacy. It was an unbelievable act of impudence and…

— Thea Harrison

“Dipsomancy is very real, but it takes more than just getting hammered to do anything useful.”

— Michael R. Underwood

“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”

— Martin Mull

I've never done a period piece or a comedy, and that could be something truly different for me.

— Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu

“...Next thing I know you've run off to Paris and thrown yourself under the nearest Frenchman-”

— Nicholls David

I'm just drawing you a map...so that when I tell you to go to hell, you will know exactly where to go!

— Niick

Comedy is this weird thing. You have no idea why certain things work and other things don't work.

— Bill Hader

“If you lie there much longer, I’ll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead…

— Cari Silverwood

With humor, it’s so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.

— Calvin Trillin

Speak in French when you can’t think of the English for a thing-- turn your toes out when you walk--- And remember…

— Lewis Carroll

I believe I am God's favorite comedian. I think he is a really big comedy writer. He writes scripts. And I just…

— Corey Feldman

“And that was when I said 'Henry, the placement of the comma depends on whether 'I ate grandmother' or 'I ate, grandmother'.”

— Mia Castile

Personally, I'm a fan of comedy movies that I can watch with my friends and family.

— Kartik Aaryan

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

— Anthony Jeselnik

For comedy reasons, any place we can have really big egos and very high stakes is a great thing to go for.

— Megan Ganz

I consider myself to be doing comedy in a post-Jon Stewart world to a certain extent.

— Adam Conover

Michael Pollan is a champion. In all ways. A man of great integrity, humor, and common sense and kindness.

— Maira Kalman

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

— Mike Birbiglia

“I try to get something done, but then give up a few seconds later since it is too hard.”

— Samuel Taber

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

— Steven Wright

Journalism is straying into entertainment. The lines between serious news segments, news entertainment, and news comedy are blurring.

— Drew Curtis

“Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!” Dee shrieked. “My eyes!”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

“When you say, “I’m just gonna think about God,” what are you thinking about?”

— Art Hochberg

I really, really enjoy comedy. I think that's one of my strong suits. It's my zone. And people don't expect it from…

— Bar Paly

“Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it's gonna backfire; I'm gonna be active friendly.”

— Natalya Vorobyova