“Why use a 10 letter word you can barely pronounce...when a four letter one will do.” — Timothy Pina Copy Share Image
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
After the Rodgers and Hammerstein revolution, songs became part of the story, as opposed to just entertainments in between comedy scenes. — Stephen Sondheim Copy Share Image
“Thinking is good for your mind, but too much thinking leads to distraction.” — Ehabib Copy Share Image
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member. — George Lopez Copy Share Image
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Ah, Mr. Ogg! How I like you!” Mr. Owl cheered. “Always ready to break a neck. Good fellow!” — M.L. LeGette Copy Share Image
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem! — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
“To answer your question as honestly as I can, I've wanted since I was very little to not have to worry about… — Ryan North Copy Share Image
“Good luck with that," I said. Because seriously. The fuck? Strawberry social? Did I somehow move onto the set of the remake… — Susan Juby Copy Share Image
As a writer, you have control: You can play around with your own thoughts and when you find those insufficient, draw upon… — Marty Nemko Copy Share Image
“A few years back, an American Jewish feminist academic sent me a request for an interview... The professor presented herself as a… — Gilad Atzmon Copy Share Image
“...'You haven't got a chance kid,' he had told him glumly. 'They hate Jews.' 'But I'm not Jewish,' answered Clevinger. 'It will… — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex… — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
With prodigious bravery and eviscerating humor, Roxane Gay takes on culture and politics in Bad Feminist-and gets it right, time and time… — Ayelet Waldman Copy Share Image
“It’s a training camp,” Leo realized. He looked at Aphros in awe. “You train heroes, the same way Chiron does?” Aphros nodded,… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
I did not go into comedy to escape anything. I went into comedy because I had parents who thought it was a… — Seth Meyers Copy Share Image
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson. — Drew Carey Copy Share Image
“There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.” — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers. — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
“Between video games and texting, how do our youth find the time to know everything?” — L.M. Fields Copy Share Image
Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration. — Steve Toltz Copy Share Image
Stuffed animals are sad and scary; they have humorous and tragic qualities. — Maurizio Cattelan Copy Share Image
“...There is no greater dividing force in this world than self-interest…” — Janvier Chouteu-Chando Copy Share Image
“Father said I have no sense of humor at all. He said I was unequipped to meet life because I have no… — J.D. Salinger Copy Share Image
“The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents’ wedding.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“For the record, I do have genitals; and they are functional and aesthetically pleasing.” — Chuck Lorre Copy Share Image
The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
“Women, in general, are less visually aroused than men, a trait that has nearly cut the market for pornography in half.” — David Brooks Copy Share Image
“MOTIEJUS (ponui Do) . Ei! Iškišk galvą. PONAS DO (iškiša užpakalį) . Ką tamsta sakai?” — Juozas Erlickas Copy Share Image
In my family, humor is the healer. We laugh at everything, sometimes at great expense to me because I'm the youngest. — Bridget Everett Copy Share Image
“Never sleep with a lady only once, especially in the case of an older lady. -'Rhett ” — Rowena Cherry Copy Share Image
He had the sort of face that makes you realize God does have a sense of humor. — Bill Bryson Copy Share Image
Not often is there as much of a vulnerable side as there is a funny side. — Jenny Slate Copy Share Image
I can only do what I do with a spirit of humor, and faith and give the controls over to something else. — Elizabeth Lesser Copy Share Image
“Did you get notes for me?" "No", Ronan replied,"I thought you were dead in a ditch.” — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
“Što je našao u tebi, pitala me moja majka? Što si našao u meni? Ne seri.” — Vedrana Rudan Copy Share Image
“Sloane wasn't interested. As a police officer he was concerned with crime, not punishment.” — Catherine Aird Copy Share Image
“Repeat a mistake once, it's a lesson. Twice, it's a coincidence. Thrice, it's a subscription to a comedy show called "Oops, I… — Monika Ajay Kaul Copy Share Image
