“Edwin is prepared to believe that a glass exists. And further, that this glass holds liquid.” — Patrick E. McLean Copy Share Image
“As a journalist, I am compelled to know the answers." "As a girl, I am compelled to protect what's left of my… — Libba Bray Copy Share Image
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
The key to humor is often self-loathing or sarcasm. In a sense, that's how self-loathing is made palatable. — James Gray Copy Share Image
“Unfortunately when I'm on my death bed I believe I'll be like most people and still looking for Jesus. And yes I've… — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
“The less you think you know, the more will be known. It’s amazing what you can know when you let go of… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
This college would probably have the same problem as the last one did." I frowned, "What's that?" "Homework. — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
When somebody says that a comic steals jokes, it's the ultimate betrayal of comedy. — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
“Despite his money and his looks and all the good-on-paper attributes he possessed, he was not a reader, and, well, let's just… — Eleanor Brown Copy Share Image
“This is a wonderful day,” Anthony was muttering to himself. “A wonderful day.” He looked up sharply at Gareth. “You don’t have… — Julia Quinn Copy Share Image
My roles in comedies from 'Austin Powers' to 'Tommy Boy' to 'Wayne's World,' were sort of comedic 'straight man' parts. My character… — Rob Lowe Copy Share Image
“In the final round of the game, if your company has admitted women to the play, I do not recommend that you… — James Wallis Copy Share Image
“Thank God for Jesus. Because, you know, he was here like us, so he knows how hard it is to be a… — Sara Miles Copy Share Image
“The Boogeyman,' he said, just to be sure. 'The Boogeyman killed an employee of the President of the United States.' The president… — Christopher Farnsworth Copy Share Image
“It looks good on you." "Huh?" "The uncontrolled laughter. It looks good. Even if I'm the butt of your joke. And for… — Shannyn Schroeder Copy Share Image
My mother made a squeaking sound that might of been either yes or help. Poseidon took it as a yes and came… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“There is nothing morally wrong with buying stolen goods, unless you know that they were stolen.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“You're rather adorable when you're mad and can't do anything about it, you know.” — Amanda Lee Knauss Copy Share Image
It's fun once in a while to do a serious part but I really enjoy doing comedy because I love to laugh. — Betty White Copy Share Image
I cann0t trust my heart anym0re,. y0u kn0w why?..because it bel0ngs t0 me but seriously BEATS f0r y0u,..;) — Megz Copy Share Image
I've played a lot of bad guys over the years, a lot of hardcore guys. At the same time, I've done a… — Jonathan Banks Copy Share Image
“Since America is in so much debt maybe President Trump will file bankrupt” — Omar Hickman Copy Share Image
Certain shows, when it's all comedy, it's like when you eat something that's too sweet and it just tastes gross. You need… — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
Yes I am a little full of myself. Play your cards right and you can be full of me too. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
In stand-up, there's that idea that comedy comes from a dark place, but it's not a rule. — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
The best curve on a girl is her smile. Nah just joking, look at that ass. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My routine isn't so much dreaming up the comedy as just seeing what happens to me. I seem to be leading a… — John Pinette Copy Share Image
All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
“Somehow I'd still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile.” — C.J. Roberts Copy Share Image
“im the new jesus i will ressurect alt-lit from the dead i will save humanity or i will destroy it #yolo” — Elena Boldor Copy Share Image
Id like to do a romantic comedy like Notting Hill, which is one of my favorite movies. — Rutina Wesley Copy Share Image
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter. — Joseph Addison Copy Share Image
Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday. — George Lopez Copy Share Image
“He was a glass half full kind of person and she was...what? The glass is going to break before you can even… — Erin McCarthy Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Isn't that just like a man. 450-fucking-years-old and he's still thinking with his balls!” — Tanya Huff Copy Share Image
“I couldn't have been more shocked if he pulled a pink elephant out of his ass!” — Tamara Rose Blodgett Copy Share Image
Every since it started snowing, my little brother has been looking through the window, guess it's high time I let him inside — Avalon Copy Share Image
If tragedy is an experience of hyperinvolvement, comedy is an experience of underinvolvement, of detachment. — Susan Sontag Copy Share Image
