Humor Quotes · Page 503

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on…

— Mitch Hedberg

Parents catch you masturbating? Stare straight at em and finish like a boss!

— Anonymous

Business is full of pain and hardship and with that, laughter and release.

— Ronnie Apteker

My father is sort of the jokester. My dad is still the funniest guy in our family.

— Seth Meyers

It is rare to find learned men who are clean, do not stink and have a sense of humour.

— Baron de Montesquieu

Humor is important in everything. Dress with a little humor and you can go a long way.

— Iris Apfel

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

— Rita Rudner

“Nothing discourages unwanted questions as much as a flow of pious bleating”

— George R.R. Martin

“The good news was that we’d found Santa. The bad news was that he was floating in a giant tube of clear…

— Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

“She sighed and put on a good sulk. Actually, she had no desire to get her nose pierced but she did want…

— Nora Roberts

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night.…

— Frankie Boyle

“He knows about sacrificing himself for the good of the whole.That's what soldiers do.It's not the torture he can't forgive me for.…

— Patricia Briggs

About half the scripts sent to me feature characters I just can't identify with, particularly one-dimensional businessmen or, if it's a comedy,…

— Ken Watanabe

“What had happened to the old Jack Grammar, the one who would have flubbed it somehow? Well, I reasoned: I could still…

— Alex Bradley

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call…

— Mitch Hedberg

Once you capitulate to one dictator, does that mean that the next dictator or the next terrorist that says you're not going…

— Ed Royce

The sense of humor has other things to do than to make itself conspicuous in the act of laughter.

— Alice Meynell

I think it's so sexy to be loud and funny, weird and strange, silly and goofy.

— Megan Stalter

I had been writing and performing stand-up comedy pretty much the entire time I worked at Google.

— Sarah Cooper

“Let me be sure I understand this babies thing. These items are how big? . . . And they come out of WHERE?”

— Wendy Bertsch

I hate when people dont watch where Im going when Im walking and texting.

— Azgraybebly Joslan

Assuredly it would be a pity if laughter should ever become, like rhetoric and the arts, a habit.

— Alice Meynell

I find it pressurising coming to the Voodoo Rooms to do my hour of comedy.

— Dominic Holland

“Anytime you hear of anyone dying suddenly, it ought to ensure you appreciate the need to live suddenly.”

— Anonymous

I just realized at a certain point that no matter how much writing I did, I'm still a gym rat for comedy…

— Neal Brennan

“I would have said sacrificing one of his own kind was a new low for Jag, but honestly? Jag was a bottomless…

— Red Tash

“You have been around since scaly things crawled out of the muck, would it have killed you to read a book?”

— Metatron

I've got quite a few friends in the comedy world as you meet a lot of people.

— Lee Mack

“Well, Gascon, I'm going to miss your long blue hair. How on earth will I find you in a crowd now?”

— Marianne Curley

As a comedy nerd, I get a lot out of the podcast because I'm genuinely interested in the people I'm talking to.

— Chris Hardwick

You can always rely on America to do the right thing -- once it has exhausted the alternatives.

— Winston Churchill

When I came into comedy in 2005, I didn't even know there was discrimination against musical comics in the alternative-comedy strain.

— Tim Minchin

“The strongest should come first in comedy because once a character is really established as funny everything he does is funny.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

'Namastey London' is my favourite Bollywood film, it is a complete pack - it has entertainment, drama, emotion and comedy.

— Ammy Virk

“Should've known when I met her mama. The big, fat acorn didn't fall too far from the big, fat tree.”

— Johnny Shaw

I feel American comedy is a little too light. World cinema, and Latin cinema, is much more comfortable with darker emotions.

— John Leguizamo

“Ser Barristan wrinkled up his nose, and said, “Your Grace should not be here, breathing these black humors.”

— George R.R. Martin

The secret of comedy is don't grow up. That's why some comedians are a nightmare, because they never grow up.

— Julian Barratt

I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I…

— Woody Allen

Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.

— Joss Whedon