“I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples.… — Joss Whedon Copy Share Image
“I would give a million bucks to have seen my mother say "cute shoes" to naked Ashley Judd.” — Brian Fies Copy Share Image
“It's not the heat," came his return mutter. "It's a critical buildup of sperm".” — Linda Howard Copy Share Image
“You know what we call you? Bitch Spice, Burtch Spice, Slut Spice and Stupid Spice.' Thomas Mackee says this” — Melina Marchetta Copy Share Image
“Is there something wrong with you? Mentally?" Darlin', you met my family. You've gotta be more specific than that. (Jess to Smitty)” — Shelly Laurenston Copy Share Image
I don't think Latino; I think like me. If that happens to be Latino, then I guess that's me. But it doesn't… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
“What are you, Zombie Slayer Barbie?" The big man in the back barked a laugh. "You'll pay for that one.” — Aria Kane Copy Share Image
When the situation is serious, don't be funny; and when the situation is funny, don't be serious! — Mehmet Murat Ildan Copy Share Image
“When he thought of her, he could call up a vivid picture of her to himself, especially the charm of that little… — Leo Tolstoy Copy Share Image
I do think comedy needs to be a living thing, but I think without a great script and fully realized characters, you… — Melissa McCarthy Copy Share Image
Something that is funny, that I use sometimes if I'm doing comedy, is the fact that I'm now often mistaken for the… — Black Thought Copy Share Image
“Environmentalists generally object to battery-powered devices and for good reason: batteries require mined minerals, employ manufacturing processes that leak toxins into local… — Ozzie Zehner Copy Share Image
Technological consciousness takes itself dead seriously; it has no sense of humor. The fool can play no role in it, for there… — Donald Phillip Verene Copy Share Image
“I hate zombies. I know that sound prejudiced. I'm sure some zombies are really nice to kittens and love their parents. But… — James Ponti Copy Share Image
“Logan, you Cavanaughs are like one-stop shopping. Police protection, legal counsel, dinner and last rites—it’s all taken care of in one neat… — Marie Ferrarella Copy Share Image
“Where are we heading?” “The closest wooded area to here is Kenwood Academy’s estate. Good place to hide, especially at night.” “If… — Kyoko M Copy Share Image
...now Eli was my new neighbor. Which was fine with me because I sucked at Math. Math and I were not on… — Shelly Crane Copy Share Image
“If you want to get results in your life try with comedy... first pressure then apply comedy. Always it shallow the shitty… — Deyth Banger Copy Share Image
“I didn't tell you how beautiful he is so you could fall in love with him. I told you so you could… — Marianne Maughan Copy Share Image
Sorry no one understood you were making an April Fool's joke because no one thinks you have a sense of humor. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Humoring them costs nothing and adds to happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
“Remember, the masterpiece of your life is perpetually in progress—each date a fresh stroke on your canvas.” — Léon RocheBlance Copy Share Image
“Kind of bloodthirsty, don't you think, Charles?" said John. "I'm an editor," said Charles. "I have to make decisions like that all… — James A. Owen Copy Share Image
“There is no known cure for severe affection for one's cat. The only way to relieve the symptoms is to go ahead… — Tichakorn Khroopan Hill Copy Share Image
“To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything. — Rodney Carrington Copy Share Image
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won't text while going down stairs. That shits dangerous. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't think I am restricting myself to doing only comedy; I am hoping that someone offers me something else. — Chunky Pandey Copy Share Image
“There is nothing to be gained by multiplying social distinctions indefinitely.” — Evelyn Waugh Copy Share Image
Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another… — Dick Van Dyke Copy Share Image
The pollen count, now that's a difficult job. Especially if you've got hay fever. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction. — Mary-Louise Parker Copy Share Image
My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none. — Marcus Brigstocke Copy Share Image
“There is something sinister about putting a leprechaun in a workhouse. The only solid comfort is that he certainly will not work.” — G.K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
“I was exercised about the poor fish, as I am about all my pals, close or distant, who find themselves treading upon… — P.G.Wodehouse Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I’ve always felt comfortable amongst the horrors. I married your uncle Gerard, after all.” — Melika Dannese Lux Copy Share Image
“The secret, my friend? Everything is an addiction. Just some addictions get called hobbies.” — Nuclear Circus Copy Share Image
