Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times. — Randy Glasbergen Copy Share Image
“The SpecOps dress code stated that our apparel should be 'dignified' but in Cordelia's case they had obviously stretched a point.” — Jasper Fforde Copy Share Image
“Everything comes from nowhere. Where is nowhere? An, that's the mystery of our lives.” — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
“My heart is a Latin American food stall and your love is a health inspector from Zurich.” — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
“Who can tell me which president had a cross-eyed wife with a bad case of the uglies?” Chaney asked.” — Jamie McGuire Copy Share Image
Comedy is what happens when you cross the dateline from the unbearable. Things become so unbearable they become a joke. — Robyn Hitchcock Copy Share Image
“If you really need a tool from the garage, don't send you teenage son to get it.” — Frederick Coxen Copy Share Image
A sense of humor is important. I'm always attracted to a girl with confidence. In terms of looks, I don't have a… — Corey Sevier Copy Share Image
“You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there.… — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
“The night in question, I had put aside my perpetual lavatory read, The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire , because… — David Mitchell Copy Share Image
“Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life: ~people applaud you incessantly.… — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
"Black culture" is ready for whatever. I sense some momentum and excitement around black artists (especially in comedy, which is where most… — Baratunde Thurston Copy Share Image
“Once I understood what was making America such a dangerous, unhappy nation of people who had nothing to do with real life,… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
“Sorry. Bad joke. I didn't know things were serious between you." "I never said they were serious." Phillip laughed, then winced as… — Nora Roberts Copy Share Image
“So, anyway." Jackal's impatient voice broke through our cold standoff. "Not to interrupt this riveting family drama, but are we going to… — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.” — Nights Raven Copy Share Image
“I didn't see myself as the busty type. Too bad bodies are issued randomly, not selected to match your personality” — Phoebe Kitanidis Copy Share Image
This life is full of trials and tribulations, so you have to capture humor whenever and wherever you can find it. — Steven Callahan Copy Share Image
Laughter may instruct but it may also conceal, defending the joker against anger and retaliation: a game is only a game. — Margaret Atwood Copy Share Image
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Is the journey the destination? Please, no. Let me out of your Volkswagen bus at the next corner.” — N.D. Wilson Copy Share Image
“And not that it matters, but my mother is not a lesbian! She's just a really, really bad heterosexual.” — Carrie Fisher Copy Share Image
When someone yells stop; I don't know if it's in the name of love, it's hammer time, or if I should collaborate… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm lucky. I've worked with extremely talented women who won't sacrifice comedy to make themselves look better. — Heather Burns Copy Share Image
Comedy can simultaneously allow you to dive headfirst into the world's pain and escape it. — Abbi Jacobson Copy Share Image
“Don't argue with stupid people, they just pull you down to their level and beat you with experience.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.” — Markus Herz Copy Share Image
I think there's a thin line between pathos and comedy, and I'm not afraid of putting my heart on my sleeve. — John Bishop Copy Share Image
When I started doing comedy, I always had something in me that was like, 'This will all work out, I just know… — Megan Stalter Copy Share Image
“By the time I finally caught up with what the hell they were talking about, I realized I really didn't give a… — Kayce Lassiter Copy Share Image
I love doing improv. I love comedy. I have always felt this way, even when I was really young. — Dakota Johnson Copy Share Image
I think the world of comedy is a relatively small community, and especially for women in comedy, there just aren't that many… — Ari Graynor Copy Share Image
“You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog." COURTESY VIOLATION-RESPONSE MUTED-VIOLATION LOGGED” — Ernest Cline Copy Share Image
LAziness is thE m0ther 0f aLl bad habits,. aNd sincE sHe is the m0ther,. we Have n0 choicE buT t0 respEct and… — Megz Copy Share Image
Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
The English laws punish vice; the Chinese laws do more, they reward virtue. — Oliver Goldsmith Copy Share Image
When people stare at nothing, dont disturb them. Bcoz, its seems a devil entering you. — Originals Copy Share Image
If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child — Tony Benn Copy Share Image
![“You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive…” quote by Christopher Moore](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/690/christopher-moore-353_buddhism_you-re-right-joshua-i-have-taught-you-no_314308.jpg)
