You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“It was the day he learned that smart, witty girls were brighter than sunlight.” — Olivia Fuller Copy Share Image
“I'm sure my unique brain tastes the same as a normal brain. Actually, mine might be slightly tastier.” — J. Cornell Michel Copy Share Image
“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Like, I feel like I'm funny, despite the fact that I keep getting rejected by people less funny than me. — Neal Brennan Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Humor makes our heavy burdens light and smoothes the rough spots in our pathways. — Sam Ervin Copy Share Image
I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all… — Patton Oswalt Copy Share Image
A sign now of success with a certain audience when you do a short comedy piece, anywhere, is that it gets on… — Andy Samberg Copy Share Image
“Jace rolled his eyes. “It’s fascinating,” he said. “You know all these words, and they’re all English, but when you string them… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“Mizzenmast,” bellowed Caldris, and Locke and Jean both fetched up short, breathing heavily. “Ship doesn’t bloody have one,” said Locke. “Just foremast… — Scott Lynch Copy Share Image
“I asked you here today because the police department asked me to assess your mental health." I huffed and rolled my eyes.… — Devon Ashley Copy Share Image
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“His books commingled democratically, united under the all-inclusive flag of Literature. Some were vertical, some horizontal, and some actually placed behind others.… — Anne Fadiman Copy Share Image
“It is worth noting that at this time, I had been doing Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live for two full seasons.… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
“I tried to lighten the mood, and pointed at the house shoes - the last things I'd have expected to see Catcher… — Chloe Neill Copy Share Image
Laughter is day, and sobriety is night; a smile is the twilight that hovers gently between both, more bewitching than either. — Henry Ward Beecher Copy Share Image
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd like to do a comedy, actually. I think it would be great to do a sitcom or something like that. I'm… — Rachel Nichols Copy Share Image
I'm the undisputed champion of keeping my mouth shut and just sitting there like a piece of furniture. — Steve Hamilton Copy Share Image
I write with humour about sadness, to introduce an element of sweet to the sour, a bit like Turkish food. — Elif Safak Copy Share Image
I'm just funny enough as a comedian to know I'm not good enough to be a comedian. — John Popper Copy Share Image
“I'm a happy person. If you want to be around me, you can either choose to be happy too, or follow the… — Sharon Swan Copy Share Image
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it. — Louis C. K Copy Share Image
Women and minorities have excelled beautifully in comedy, but very few women are the lead in a drama, — Sharon Gless Copy Share Image
“Mothers! They promise you they'll never get married again, and next thing you know you're a bridesmaid.” — Mindy Schanback Copy Share Image
“Lucy was kinda like the Ravens - rough-looking on the outside but full of awesome.” — Laura Kaye Copy Share Image
When people ask me plz because it's shorter than please. I tell them no because it's shorter than yes . — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You need to tune into a different way of being funny for kids. They're learning the rhythm of a joke. — Graham Linehan Copy Share Image
“Of course I love you. For real. I will sure come and personally meet you myself. Just to make sure you're well.… — Fakeer Ishavardas Copy Share Image
Comedy is much more difficult than tragedy-and a much better training, I think. It's much easier to make people cry than to… — Vivien Leigh Copy Share Image
“During our first date, I wanted to hold your hand so bad I almost cut mine off and threw it at you… — Colin Gilbert Copy Share Image
“Joke in book: "You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception.” — Elisabeth Naughton Copy Share Image
“Humor and sensitivity are the man's best qualities to earn the heart of a woman.” — Anoir Ou-Chad Copy Share Image
“My formula for life is very simple: in the morning, wake up; at night, go to sleep. In between I try and… — Cary Grant Copy Share Image
“No one thinks you're a flower Vane. We've all smelled you after training. -Gus, "Let the Storm Break” — Shannon Messenger Copy Share Image
“They were the most depressing group of people Yossarian had ever been with. They were always in high spirits.” — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
The Devil made me do it the first time - the second time I done it on my own — Billy Joe Shaver Copy Share Image
First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for… — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
