School uses a lot of paper, paper comes from trees, trees give us oxygen, we need oxygen to live. Oh, cool. Teachers… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you fall once, get up. If you fall twice, get up. If you fall for the third time, tie your shoelaces! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!” — Bryan Lee O'Malley Copy Share Image
“It's always best to avoid strangling the person you're on a date with. No matter how crazy he makes you.” — Lisa Papademetriou Copy Share Image
“Look guys, I am your worst nightmare. I'm a woman with a badge, a gun, and PMS. Are you really sure you… — K.V. McMillan Copy Share Image
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“...to go to a dance with a guy who has all the personality of a serial killer mixed with a sponge.” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My theory as to why I first became a comedian is that my mother was always keenest on my younger brother, Dan.… — David Baddiel Copy Share Image
“I swear to God, Boss,” he said one day. “Ya ain’t never been a talker, but lately, if ya’d a had to… — Eli Easton Copy Share Image
“I was glad to be made aware that “Veimke” (jeune fille au pair), is subject to natural law, and can be made… — Roman Payne Copy Share Image
Even when something sad or tragic happens, I find a way to look at it in a positive light. People who don't… — Zach Anner Copy Share Image
“The best man day in the world would involve building a bridge and then blowing up that bridge. Which is why you… — Joel Stein Copy Share Image
“Oh my God, you're huge." She struggled to get her hands to the ends of the long sleeves. The garment hung to… — Krystal Shannan Copy Share Image
“What makes the Arctic VarChar so unusual and popular is that each bite has a different taste. As you carve your way… — Sorin Suciu Copy Share Image
I don't like comedy that I think is bad comedy, where people are trying to be sick for the sake of it,… — Steve Coogan Copy Share Image
I feel like we have so many different ways to express ourselves now, and I relish, I feel very lucky to be… — Nick Kroll Copy Share Image
Art Modell was a visionary, a deal-maker and a friend. And he possessed a marvelous sense of humor. — Steve Tisch Copy Share Image
Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark. You know what you are doing but nobody else… — Steuart Henderson Britt Copy Share Image
“Perhaps one day even I will be famous. Perhaps more famous than you.” “I doubt it.” — Madeline Miller Copy Share Image
Trying to understand modern art is like trying to follow the plot in a bowl of alphabet soup. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If a famous liberal politician received a fatal swirly, would the rest of them try to ban indoor plumbing or opposable thumbs… — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
“If your philosophy can be explained in a tweet, you're a moron. That's my philosophy. Wait...” — T.J. Kirk Copy Share Image
I enjoy doing all different types of movies even though I am the most comfortable with comedy. — Adam Sandler Copy Share Image
“What? You just got boned by your trainer and minutes later felt the need to say hello to your son?” — JD Holmes Copy Share Image
Don't be friends with people who don't have a sense of humour. They will kill yours..!! — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
A lot of people say, 'Hey, God doesn't have a sense of humor.' Yes, He does. God has a great sense of… — Si Robertson Copy Share Image
What are your mess | If you love me | good sense of humor,| but I do not like jokes — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
I'd actually love to do comedy. It would be great to go to work to get a laugh. — Adrian Dunbar Copy Share Image
“The desert doesn't care who you are, and neither does anyone or anything who lives in it.” — Deanne Stillman Copy Share Image
It's our most underrated value, I think, as human beings is our sense of humor. It's how we choose our friends. — Philip Rosenthal Copy Share Image
“Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying… — Kristin Cashore Copy Share Image
“Chapter Twenty-Four: Surprise Better Title: Oh My God! I Hate Everything About This Book! I Want To Kill It With Rocks! AGH!” — Dan Bergstein Copy Share Image
I hate that there's such an emphasis on women in comedy. Are women OK? Are they just as funny as men? Yes! — Nicole Byer Copy Share Image
To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it. — Criss Jami Copy Share Image
“Sawing a lady in half is easy. Sawing a lady in half and then joining her up together again is less easy,… — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Anything traumatic in my life I've always dealt with through jokes and comedy. — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
“Just because all the rats are gone doesn't mean I trust the rattlesnake that got rid of them.” — John Steiner Copy Share Image
