Humor Quotes · Page 219

“When life giver you lemons, make lemonade.”

— Phil Dunphy

I feel like comedy had a boys'-club label when we were starting.

— Abbi Jacobson

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

— Henny Youngman

God expects spiritual fruit, not religious nuts..

— Anonymous

“This is what my girlfriend would look like without skin.”

— David Bischoff

If your rival hits on your man... F** hers!

— Mishe Pierce

“And you had to do that in a thunderstorm pissing down like a camel?”

— Poppet

“when you have the reasons, reason!”

— Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most…

— Herbert Samuel, 1st Viscount Samuel

This is probably as bad a day as the court has had on social issues since Roe vs. Wade.

— Jerry Falwell

'Fuck that.' is really a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word 'NO.'

— Anonymous

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

— Jim Norton

“The average sparrow is something of a bore and the trouble is that all sparrows are average.”

— Will Cuppy

“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”

— Dora J. Arod

All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.

— Joel McHale

There is nothing worse than when someone's obnoxious laughter ruins a good movie.

— Anonymous

“I must have wanton Poets, pleasant wits, Musitians, that with touching of a string May draw the pliant king which way I…

— Christopher Marlowe

I think shows that are completely dramatic are a lie. People use humor to cope. That is how we deal with things.…

— Jenji Kohan

“He pulled me close and said, "Katie, don't leave me, you're my breath, I refuse to live without you." It was the…

— J.A. ANUM

“You really are a pain in the ass,” he laughs. I swat him playfully, laughing too as a single tear rolls down…

— Kandi Steiner

“At the Lamaze class, they had me hold a block of ice for a full minute to stimulate labor pain, saying "Hee-haw,…

— Finnamore-S

“Sex with an ex Is it ever really painless or just inviting stress? I mean, really Who does that? Oh wait, I’m…

— Natasha Ramsey

'Brooklyn Nine-Nine' is an idealized, fun comedy world in which feminism is an underlying value that all the characters have. Equality is…

— Stephanie Beatriz

There are no subtleties in a war zone. I think that's why comedy does so well there. It goes right for the…

— Jeff Ross

Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from others.

— Anonymous

“There was a note of humor in his tone when he replied, “Mad Dog Max.”

— L.A. Fiore

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

— Bill Cosby

“Vampires suck blood, but as a vampire, you just kinda suck.”

— Alix Adale

“the smartest man in the room doesn't visit many rooms.”

— Garrett McCoy

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

— Elayne Boosler

Waking up from a 30 minute nap and not knowing if it's 2011 or 2013.

— Anonymous

“Make everything an adventure. Otherwise, it will suck.”

— Nita Morgan

“Never confuse cynicism for intelligence.”

— Ahmed Al-Sheikh

“If I felt any better I'd be unconscious.”

— Lawrence Sanders

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

— Steven Wright

If you can't be smart or funny, be brief.

— J.A. Konrath

Status is always ripe for satire, status is always good for comedy.

— Stephen Colbert

Instant gratification takes too long.

— Carrie Fisher

“But who is ever fair in an argument?”

— A.B. Shepherd

“Once a Pot Noodler, always a Pot Noodler.”

— Jill Mansell