Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. — Elayne Boosler Congress Copy Share Image
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor. — Elayne Boosler Brother Copy Share Image
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again? — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you… — Elayne Boosler Book Copy Share Image
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. — Elayne Boosler Affectionate Copy Share Image
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or… — Elayne Boosler Change Copy Share Image
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am… — Elayne Boosler Art Copy Share Image
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of… — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could… — Elayne Boosler Calgary Copy Share Image
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long… — Elayne Boosler Education Copy Share Image
I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself… — Elayne Boosler Curiosity Copy Share Image
I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money;… — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab.… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch.… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the… — Elayne Boosler Ability Copy Share Image
You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. — Elayne Boosler Best way Copy Share Image
I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
