People want sex education out of the schools. They believe sex education causes promiscuity. Hey, I took algebra, but I never do… — Elayne Boosler Algebra Copy Share Image
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. — Elayne Boosler Breakup Copy Share Image
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. — Elayne Boosler Depressed Copy Share Image
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Laundry's easier when you live alone. Fifteen minutes before a date, put 'em on, dry 'em with a hair blower. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Comedy is a blood sport. It flays the truth and spurts twisted logic. In America, people become comics because we don't have… — Elayne Boosler America Copy Share Image
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am… — Elayne Boosler Art Copy Share Image
For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of… — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could… — Elayne Boosler Calgary Copy Share Image
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat,… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I can tell by your eye shadow, you're from Brooklyn, right? . . . Me too. My mother has plastic covers on… — Elayne Boosler Brooklyn Copy Share Image
As for being a voice in politics, I feel whether you are famous or not, busy or not, it's incumbent upon every… — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor. — Elayne Boosler Brother Copy Share Image
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again? — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. — Elayne Boosler Affectionate Copy Share Image
I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you… — Elayne Boosler Book Copy Share Image
Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or… — Elayne Boosler Change Copy Share Image
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. — Elayne Boosler Family Copy Share Image
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many… — Elayne Boosler Audience Copy Share Image
As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. — Elayne Boosler Adult life Copy Share Image
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. — Elayne Boosler Choices Copy Share Image
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would… — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without… — Elayne Boosler Cat Copy Share Image
Real comedy can't be learned; it comes from a need for justice. The best who stand up, stand up for something. — Elayne Boosler Comedy Copy Share Image
We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. — Elayne Boosler Creating Copy Share Image
You know you are in love when you are willing to share your cash-machine number. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live. — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. — Elayne Boosler Depressed Copy Share Image
Most people love animals, and most people love to laugh. Combining the two makes both resonate deeper. — Elayne Boosler Animal Copy Share Image
Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? — Elayne Boosler Copy Share Image
