Elayne Boosler

I've never been able to write for stand-up.

— Elayne Boosler

Horse racing is waning in popularity.

— Elayne Boosler

The message of great art is to disturb.

— Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

— Elayne Boosler

What do hookers do on their nights off, type?

— Elayne Boosler

Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.

— Elayne Boosler

Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.

— Elayne Boosler

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

— Elayne Boosler

I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart…

— Elayne Boosler

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

— Elayne Boosler

Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this…

— Elayne Boosler

Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help.

— Elayne Boosler

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

— Elayne Boosler

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

— Elayne Boosler

For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.

— Elayne Boosler

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

— Elayne Boosler

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of…

— Elayne Boosler

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem…

— Elayne Boosler

I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money;…

— Elayne Boosler

When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You…

— Elayne Boosler

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight,…

— Elayne Boosler

Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things…

— Elayne Boosler

A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long…

— Elayne Boosler

I didn't get a high school diploma. I really didn't have much of an education, which left me open to educating myself…

— Elayne Boosler

Many animal rescue organizations hit with a hard-core, heartbreaking message. Their videos and stories can become difficult for average people to watch.…

— Elayne Boosler

When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab.…

— Elayne Boosler

I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the…

— Elayne Boosler

President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an…

— Elayne Boosler

I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in…

— Elayne Boosler

I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.

— Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

— Elayne Boosler

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

— Elayne Boosler

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

— Elayne Boosler

Every time we help an animal, we are healing ourselves, over and over.

— Elayne Boosler

I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.

— Elayne Boosler

I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals.

— Elayne Boosler

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

— Elayne Boosler

You know you're getting fat when you step on the dog's tail and he dies.

— Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

— Elayne Boosler

Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except…

— Elayne Boosler