Humor Quotes · Page 193

“Stop calling yourself an authoress. You sound like an idiotess.”

— Oliver Markus Malloy

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

— Jim Norton

“Laughter is the only medicine, without side effects.”

— Shannon L. Alder

“I hated my boyfriend but I liked the neighborhood.”

— Ottessa Moshfegh

After exercising I always eat a pizza...Just kidding I never exercise.

— Anonymous

That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.

— Chelsea Handler

Music often happens even faster than comedy in terms of the creation.

— Harry Shearer

“This is not at all funny." "Which is why I'm not laughing.”

— Dani Alexander

The best comedy comes from having real moments, heart and all. You can't just have people making jokes over and over and…

— Molly Gordon

The funny thing about stopping is that as soon as you do it, here you are.

— Jon Kabat-Zinn

The phrase 'unconscious humor' is the one contribution I have made to the current literature of the day.

— Samuel Butler

A remarkable memoir that's packed with anecdotes, advice and humor, all while maintaining a high level of dignity and self-awareness.

— Steve Martin

J. makes me laugh. He's incredibly dry and has a pretty harsh sense of humor that I enjoy.

— Lou Barlow

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

— Billy Connolly

“Girls like good-looking guys, and I am not very good-looking. In fact, I sort of look like a pudding”

— Jesse Andrews

“Your problem is a serious lack of imagination. You can’t imagine being different than you are.”

— Linda Morris

Interestingly enough, even though my parents didn't necessarily support what I was doing at first, going into comedy, a lot of what…

— Quinta Brunson

I think everyone's different but in comedy, I try to do my scene to make the director and the other actors laugh.…

— Ken Jeong

I suppose some studio executive would say it's death for a comedy if people aren't all laughing in the same places, but…

— Noah Baumbach

“Magistra, if you save my student, I don't care a snap what you say about my heart. She snorted. "Typical of a…

— Blake Charlton

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else, but when it happens to you, why it seems to…

— Will Rogers

To me, the best comedies get a little dark, and the best thrillers are a little bit funny. So I'm not exactly…

— Jon Watts

I certainly think, obviously, rhythm is a huge part of being an actor. It just is unconscious, to a degree, but particularly…

— Simon Helberg

I do think, with people in comedy, you can have your time, as it were, and then you don't realise that it…

— Julia Davis

You're not funny and nobody likes you!

— CM Punk

“You're...standing...in...my...KUMQUATS!”

— Tom Jones

I really just love dumb humor. I watch a lot of SNL.

— Taylor Louderman

“This is more disturbing than a woman with short hair wearing a dress.”

— Caspar Vega

I never met a man who never met a man he didn't like I liked.

— John Alejandro King

“A woman without a past is like a fruitcake without brandy—insipid!”

— Nancy Atherton

There is something about laughter that can take away all the darkness.

— Christina Applegate

... laughter is lovelier than tears in bed.

— Dorothy Hewett

People often ask me how I make things funny. I don't make things funny.

— Richard Russo

“Wanted: Steel toed Bible thumpers to reach a monster truck mad world.”

— M.J. McGuire

“Do not put up with mean people who discourage your laughter.”

— Jim Dines

“If I can't be the best, I sure as hell can be the worst.”

— Jon Jafari

I've had a lot of success with comedy films.

— Lara Dutta

“A dialysis patient's life is hard. Laugh harder.”

— Bob Northam

“NEVER TRUST a blanket statement. They're all false.”

— Peter Wisan

But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

— Sarah Silverman