Humor Quotes · Page 167

It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still

— Bill Bailey

“Oh go get some dignity. I think it's in the aisle next to the Q-tips.”

— Gasmaskman

“Pink champagne... yeah, uh, that's too nelly, even for me.”

— QAF Emmett Honeycutt

Comedy is tough. It is a serious business.

— Johnny Lever

“Life is short unless agony is long.”

— Brian Spellman

It's so hard to make a comedy pilot and have a cool idea.

— David Walton

“I finally decided what I want to be when I grow up - late.”

— Brian Spellman

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

— Rita Rudner

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly…

— Henny Youngman

“I’m not ‘stubborn.’” “Oh, really?” Lifting my chin, I said, “I’m determined.” (Violet to Doc)”

— Ann Charles

It is possible in this world to be pretty and funny and successful all at the same time.

— Anonymous

A year living with your parents when you turn 30 has been ripe for comedy.

— Rosie Jones

People are funny. They often don't mean to be, and that's what makes it even more endearing.

— Jennifer Lee

“They say the Lord never gives us more than we can bear. This is only true of money and cleavage.”

— Joni Rodgers

“Saint Bo, a man christened with the miraculous ability to gentle horses, nervous women, and one year olds.”

— Becky Wade

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of…

— Bo Burnham

“I have been a little embarrassed always. But less so the last time. It will all disappear. You have such a delicious…

— Henry Miller

“Sometimes there was humor in Max Vandenburg’s voice, though its physicality was like friction—like a stone being gently rubbed across a large…

— Anonymous

Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn't get serious with people. They…

— Fanny Brice

“There's a big difference between want and need," she muttered to herself, picking her pad and pen back up. "I mean I…

— Jill Shalvis

“Well, I just don’t want you to think that this piece of shit is anything other than a pathetic, human defect. Nothing…

— Jhonen Vasquez

Both Ulysses and Finnegans Wake are inexhaustible. They are celebrations of the ordinary, compelling reactions to philosophical elitism about "the good life".…

— Philip Kitcher

“You'd be surprised." Charlie said. "You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp…

— Jodi Picoult

With comedy, you never know until you put it in front of an audience. You shoot it and a year later you…

— Steve Martin

I've carried witty banners against laws that would curtail my freedoms.

— Jess Phillips

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

— Frankie Boyle

Our family were very quick to laugh at each other.

— Greg Davies

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

— Steven Wright

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

— George Mikes

You must be Google. You have everything I'm looking for

— Alex Low

“Let's let the Ice Court know the Dregs have come to call.”

— Leigh Bardugo

Joy Behar... Is never even funny accidentally.

— Steven Crowder

The minute I started doing comedy, the doors opened.

— Jennifer Coolidge

“He's a ghost, not a carnival magician. -Benny Imura”

— Jonathan Maberry

Being funny, in some ways, is about being connected to psychology.

— Noah Baumbach

“It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light”

— josh stern

“But we were just picnicking friends”

— Douglas Preston

There's a fine line between comedy and the darkest place ever.

— Meg Myers

Laughter is beyond truth - the ultimate happiness.

— Govinda

...things I had come to find humor in would make your honest man swoon.

— Patrick deWitt