Humor Quotes · Page 120

“Rules are set, mostly does not change.”

— Dr. Poison King

A slut is like an elevator; a lot of people go in

— Amit Verma

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

— Rodney Dangerfield

The church is a gift from God, some assembly is required.

— Anonymous

You might be a idiot, but your mine idiot.

— Michael Country

Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

— Bill Bailey

The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.

— Wendy Wasserstein

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the…

— Rodney Dangerfield

“According to the magazine, if you turned the runes on their heads they revealed a spell to make your enemy's ears into…

— J.K. Rowling

And killing time is perhaps the essence of comedy, just as the essence of tragedy is killing eternity.

— Miguel de Unamuno

“Life's a shit sandwich, my ass. Life's a polka and don't you forget it!”

— Wally Lamb

“Pushed times make a monkey chew pepper.~ Creole proverb. (challenging times inspire unique actions)”

— Myra Jolivet

“Teabing hobbled over. "You were rescued by a knight brandishing an Excalibur made by Acme Orthopedic.”

— Dan Brown

Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?

— Anonymous

One of the pitfalls of a romantic comedy is that you know how it's going to end.

— Jason Segel

I wasn't into making classmates laugh - or any of the comedy cliches. I wanted to disappear. I was a nonentity. I…

— Josh Widdicombe

For the most part, comedians are pretty friendly with each other. They always say they badmouth each other, but most of the…

— Colin Quinn

“Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so…

— Eugene Mirman

I don't think I'm a witty person. To me, a witty person is a funny person who is also a smart person.…

— David Sedaris

“A pregnancy tore up our lives. It's going to tear up hers. There's no hiding from that. A pregnancy's one of those…

— Jennifer Greene

“Can we get back to work now?" Haley asked, sounding innocent, but Zoe didn't miss the woman's lips twitching or the humor…

— R.L. Mathewson

“How ya doing?” Gabby’s face came into view, and she grinned down at me. She’d stopped doing her healing thing, and the…

— Laura Kreitzer

“It’s that time of the month again… As we head into those dog days of July, Mike would like to thank those…

— Molly Harper

“Kill first, ask questions of the corpse later”

— G.A. Aiken

“And that, my friends, is how a revolution dies. -Haymitch Abernathy”

— Suzanne Collins

“I am not mean I am just sarcastically humorous”

— Anonymous

“you are responsible for you own happiness”

— Tshikororo Raymond

Laughter is God's hand on the shoulder of a troubled world.

— Anonymous

2 My funny complicated mind. I love you. ;-)

— Sirivi Hanson

“The Old Testament is actually pretty raunchy. You might enjoy it.”

— Nicki Elson

“No good deed goes unpunished - Oscar Wilde”

— Allen Mack

No man with a sense of humor ever founded a religion.

— Robert Green Ingersoll

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

— Denis Norden

“God is even in a single parent household.”

— Karen Salmansohn

Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore.

— Malcolm Muggeridge

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

— Zach Galifianakis

Comedy is, of course, closely associated with eggs.

— Harlan Tarbell

You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty.

— Sacha Guitry

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

— Samuel Goldwyn