Humor Quotes · Page 100

I don't know if comedy is a male sport. I always wondered that.

— Maya Rudolph

Montreal leads Atlanta by three, 5-1.

— Jerry Coleman

“Ignorance is not linear, it's exponential.”

— Spuds Crawford

“I wouldn't dignify it with the name immoral.”

— Graham Spaid

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

— Adam Carolla

Lesbian humor is nothing like gay men's humor. We're sillier.

— Leslie Jordan

Everybody's funny in different ways.

— Colin Quinn

Life's a trip, don't forget to tie your shoelaces!

— Anonymous

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

— Zach Galifianakis

“There are few things in life that are worth waking up to: sex, the dark spices of freshly brewed coffee and bacon.”

— Dannika Dark

As far as humor goes, I've always been a very insecure person and I've always wanted to be liked.

— Peter Steele

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

— Steven Wright

“Her bouts of bitchiness were really starting to grow on him, which just proved how in over his head he was.”

— Katee Robert

I have no real enemies in comedy, but there are a couple of people who I'd laugh about if I heard that…

— Frankie Boyle

Laughter is the best medicine...next to Oxycontin...and of course medicinal marijuana.

— Anonymous

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

— Tim Vine

You can be good at comedy, which means you'll be given spots, but beyond that it is luck that pushes you to…

— Romesh Ranganathan

“There was no sense to life, to the structure of things. D.H. Lawrence had known that. You needed love, but not the…

— Charles Bukowski

“Eros mumbled something. "I'm sorry?" said Aphrodite. "Whatwouldjesusdo." "What would Jesus do?" said Aphrodite. "Let me tell you something. Jesus was a…

— Marie Phillips

I mean, sometimes... a comedian becomes an actor, and they just don't deliver, because the bottom line of comedy is to be…

— Eddie Izzard

There is no doubt I have offended many people. No doubt, also, that I have blasphemed. I sometimes try to offend as…

— Frankie Boyle

“Ha ha ha ha! Tee-hee-hee! Mwa-ha mwa-ha! Kee kee kee! Ho ho ho ho! Haw-hee-haw! Heh heh heh heh! Gah guffaw! Hoo…

— Richelle E. Goodrich

“Mr Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now." "Indeed,…

— Douglas Adams

A sense of humour keen enough to show a man his own absurdities as well as those of other people will keep…

— Samuel Butler

“Karma was a bitch with a good sense of humor.”

— Jill Shalvis

People with no humor, they're outta my life.

— Patti LaBelle

“Anyone can spin a victory, it's a total loss that demands creativity”

— Josh Stern

Fake is the new trend and some of my friends seem to be in style!

— Wwwfacebookcom/talentedpersonal

I watched a lot of comedy growing up.

— Wanda Sykes

“Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?”

— Ian Frazier

Comedians are not usually actors, but imitations of actors.

— Anonymous

I would rather be called funny than pretty.

— Nia Vardalos

“I was doing it again, and I do NOT ogle strangers.”

— Terri Farley

“-one teebs? You mean tablespoon?" "I don't know.”

— Joe Hill

Better have an old man to humor than a young rake to break your heart.

— Proverb

Humor is the ability to see three sides to one coin.

— Ned Rorem

“preferring actual ignorance to the appearance of it, he did not ask.”

— Sheri S. Tepper

“Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster”

— Stephen King

For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.

— Jim Norton

“Wise are those who have seen life from both sides of the fence.”

— A.J. Garces