“I know you're frustrated, Sam, but the reality is you're in a world now where the majority of the people you run… — Lish McBride Copy Share Image
The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd watch games and, as funny as it sounds, I'd actually be jealous of the way people could move. I'd wonder if… — Owen Hargreaves Copy Share Image
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
It's a nightmare if you're working with someone you don't get on with, especially if you have to be in love with… — Kit Harington Copy Share Image
My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
You are accused of stealing my heart and hijacking my feelings. Do you plead guilty or not? I'll give you life sentence… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you are seeking to know a person's passion, watch them with a melting ice-cream cone. It's not how they choose to… — Tammi Post Copy Share Image
My act is pretty much me reflecting on what I want to talk about and what I think is funny and what… — Brian Posehn Copy Share Image
“Easy to be delighted or dismayed by POPULAR CULTURE but then one has no other option and even 'God, it's so dreadful… — Jennifer Clarvoe Copy Share Image
Twitter is like a maximum security prison. There are the tough guys, crazy ones, odd ones & an idiot who tried to… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Prayers For Rain' begins like practically every Cure song, with an introduction that's longer than most Bo Diddley singles. Never mind the… — Tom Reynolds Copy Share Image
Life is like a box of chocolates, and so are the people we meet ... Some are soft, some are very sweet,… — Nishan Panwar Copy Share Image
It's so funny, I used to say that I wanted to bleach my eyebrows. I think it looks psychotic a majority of… — Jenna Ortega Copy Share Image
The distinguishing mark of true adventures, is that it is often no fun at all while they are actually happening. — Kim Stanley Copy Share Image
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors. — Joey Lauren Adams Copy Share Image
The effective exploitation of his powers of abstraction must be regarded as one of the most vital activities of a competent programmer. — Edsger Dijkstra Copy Share Image
I think it's a shame when people don't see the funny, thoughtful Mark that I know. He is incredibly sensitive and really… — Priscilla Chan Copy Share Image
Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I made a Twitter account when I was 10 years old. I wasn't even trying to be funny. I was still tweeting… — Rich Brian Copy Share Image
I can be reasonably funny and light-hearted when I'm in the company of good friends, but I'm not a jokesmith. I tend… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
Its funny how when u call a girl a bitch she get so pissed , But when u add a bad in… — Brandon Martin Copy Share Image
I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered!… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's the squares who know how to fly the fighter planes and operate the missiles and the bombs and work the M-16s.… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of… — Josh Billings Copy Share Image
In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us… — Robert Benchley Copy Share Image
Tell the cook of this restaurant with my compliments that these are the very worst sandwiches in the whole world, and that,… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
“To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and… — Val Edward Simone Copy Share Image
If two people are arguing & one person says, You know what... Just sit back & enjoy. Trust me that argument is… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“I've got a Don Baylor," J.T. said. "California sucks this year." Ralph snickered. "I wouldn't use a Baylor card to scrape dog… — Jodi Picoult Copy Share Image
The very first picture that I did, the director came up to me on the street - I was 14 at the… — Anna Karina Copy Share Image
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A man can add to his sexuality by being funny, whereas a woman can diminish hers. I don't know why that's the… — Ronnie Corbett Copy Share Image
“listen carefully, as this may be something of a shock to you." "A shock? You mean all that was just the precursor?” — Marissa Meyer Copy Share Image
I'm very silly as a person, but quality silliness on-screen has more of an art to it. Harrison Ford, whom I was… — Rachel McAdams Copy Share Image
I'm truly convinced that much of the trouble that some people have today: they stop to think, but forget to start the… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
'Friends' played in this territory of being funny, and then also just grabbing your heart. And not afraid of that. It was… — Warren Littlefield Copy Share Image
“No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full… — S.C. Stephens Copy Share Image
My wife is angry with me and she is giving me the Silent Treatment. I don't know what I did, but I… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Men enjoy being thought of as hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt. Women, on the other hand, love to hunt,… — Mignon McLaughlin Copy Share Image
