Everything is beautiful depend on the situation. A school bell sounds irritating at 9am but the same sounds melodious at 4pm. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When choosing a girl to date, don't go with your gut feeling. Go with your nut feeling. That'll lead to some butt… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I've always thought the word cow was funny. And cows are sort of tragic figures. Cows blur the line between tragedy and… — Gary Larson Copy Share Image
“For reasons that will become obvious, I call this story, "There's a Horse in My Living Room." It's about how I wound… — June Foray Copy Share Image
I wanted to be a standup comic because I grew up on Joe Pasquale, Kenny Everett, Tommy Cooper. And everyone likes the… — Adam Pearson Copy Share Image
It's funny: I've seen a lot of the rock attitude come into play in the rap world, where it's like they're angry,… — Lzzy Hale Copy Share Image
“From behind me, Jaz let out an outraged cry, "Ash! I can take care of myself. I'm saur!" I ignored him, and… — Ambelin Kwaymullina Copy Share Image
It's funny that for women in horror, we have to use the term scream queen, because there is no term for a… — Pollyanna McIntosh Copy Share Image
What's great about having the live audience is you know immediately if you're funny or not. That always helped when we were… — Emily Osment Copy Share Image
My wife just told me, You're fucking idiot considering as she's the only woman I love, then yes, it's a fair assumption. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“There was nothing normal about the divine twin sproutings that formed Rachel Melville’s magically springy chest. Almost involuntarily Ronnie found himself nodding… — Jamie Holoran Copy Share Image
The best thing about the past is that it's over. The best thing about the future is that it's yet to come.… — Richard Bandler Copy Share Image
LOVE, The most slippery word in the human language -- used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Customers perceive service in their own unique, idiosyncratic, emotional, irrational, end-of-the-day, and totally human terms. Perception is all there is! — Tom Peters Copy Share Image
In Italy, for the same price as a typical British hamburger meal including sweet, a builder's labourer could eat like a king… — Clive James Copy Share Image
Like for me, it's funny that I have ended up in so many side projects because I have always looked at any… — Taylor Goldsmith Copy Share Image
97% of people work a J.O.B( Just Over Broke). All of them want a M.B.A (Massive Bank Account). They are clueless on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
To be fair, it's quite funny because in my career, I've never had a trainer for longer than one and a half… — Matthijs de Ligt Copy Share Image
I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Ugh I get really disappointing when I see a friend has a really funny, witty FB status only to find out they… — Davis Copy Share Image
True friends are the ones that give you the shoulder to cry on. Best Friends are the ones that are ready with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Every wedding is slightly different from the other. But you always get to meet the funny uncle and the weirdo relatives, and… — Jens Lekman Copy Share Image
6. How many relationships i've had - 1. he was an alright boyfriend. not the best but I still really liked him.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People in America think of it as a sad and downtrodden place, and I guess it could be, but it's not because… — Mark Kurlansky Copy Share Image
“I'm a librarian in town,' she began. 'You sure about that?' The words popped out before he could stop them. Annabelle raised… — Susan Mallery Copy Share Image
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is… — Colin Quinn Copy Share Image
There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
14 days until Valentines Day, aka 14 days until a night at home alone complaining about stupid couples, because I'm forever alone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Don't worry, Sean. You're still hot even in the hospital gown," Sandra said. "Don't lie out of pity, Sandy. No one can… — rainbowbrook Copy Share Image
Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
“In the Catskills, nostalgia runs backwards. The upwardly mobile Jewish masses of the 1950s and 1960s have been replaced by the Jews… — Kevin Haworth Copy Share Image
“For their never-ending endeavours to obtain or retain wealth, countries desperately need companies, because they—unlike most human beings—have the means of production,… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I carry with me from my male upbringing a sense that femininity is forbidden. So when I appear on YouTube with forty… — ContraPoints Copy Share Image
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair. Without super hearing,… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“Many a survivor of a plane crash who is or was against cannibalism and had never eaten human flesh once found themselves… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I find that I'm extremely unattracted to anything that's humorless. There is writing that is entirely serious, and it doesn't ring true… — Owen King Copy Share Image
“If you come a little closer you will see that I am depicted as having three penises. Of course I’m not insinuating… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
