Dont you hate it when you're texting lying down & all of a sudden ur phone decides to be ninja & slip… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Beautiful women must think about their beauty as capitalists think about their investments or politicians about their majorities; it is all they… — Cyril Connolly Copy Share Image
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action… — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
Standup is a place where, as long as it's funny enough, you can say your most embarrassing things, shameful things and disappointing… — Sara Pascoe Copy Share Image
You shouldn't worry who gets the funny line, just that you're being funny as a double act. With us, it flips all… — Ant McPartlin Copy Share Image
My parents: you're beautiful honey - old people: I bet all the boys are chasing after you already. - Boys: Ew, what… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“What are you?” he demanded. “A slayer?" I rolled my eyes. “The name's Val, not Buffy. Do I look like a blond… — Parker Blue Copy Share Image
I find it funny to look at people who are people-watching, and, don't get me wrong, I like to people-watch, too. But… — Coco Rocha Copy Share Image
I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons … which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Theres a famous saying: If 99 percent was good enough, gravity wouldnt work for 14 minutes every day. I did the calculation,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Seriously man, shut it.” “Alright, alright. You’re the driver,” He raised his chip bag in toast, “My life is in your hands.” — Finn Eccleston Copy Share Image
“Regin the Radiant and Emmaline Troy: 'Alrighty then, have it your way- you're on your own... Now, if you come across a… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
My brothers and sister and me grew up making fun of each other, the way we'd speak or move. When we get… — Colman Domingo Copy Share Image
This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who… — Oprah Winfrey Copy Share Image
For me, personally, it is very important that the days are exactly the same, so I have routines. I do the same… — Karl Ove Knausgard Copy Share Image
When I finally embraced abstinence it was because of the simple urge to work a longer day. Thus, without joining Alcoholics Anonymous,… — Clive James Copy Share Image
“It means the third rail has seven hundred volts of direct current running through it. Touch it and you're human popcorn” — James Patterson Copy Share Image
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice… — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
“Bad weather’s moving in,” the old bird said, finally handing me a check. Never seen so many tornadoes in my life. We… — Nick Wilgus Copy Share Image
I want a hero: an uncommon want, When every year and month sends forth a new one, Till, after cloying the gazettes… — Lord Byron Copy Share Image
Not everyone is comfortable with the kissing ritual. My husband is one of them. Her refuses to press lips with anyone except… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Aap jaise log kuch khaas lagte hain, Dil me har waqt ek aas rakhte hain, Jaane kb ho jaaye mulaqaat aapse, Isliye… — Sadie Copy Share Image
To a straight man, the notion of walking around as a coiffed, waxed, nail-polish-wearing, lispy dude is uproariously absurd. As people, we… — Steven Crowder Copy Share Image
I empathize with women in their high heels so I'll be there in my kilt and T-shirt and I'll walk around all… — Marc Jacobs Copy Share Image
Okay so every summer my momtakes me and my sisters to the zoo and my older sister's boyfriend always comes with us.Well,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Nothing funny about happy people. I don't know, you just look at a situation or a life, and you can kind of… — Kate Beaton Copy Share Image
One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen,… — Anita Loos Copy Share Image
She lies about her age and weight and is slightly older than Rocket. But they've been a couple for eight years, longer… — Kate Jackson Copy Share Image
The cliches that circulate in the German media about Joachim Sauer are a total fallacy. The fact is that he's his own… — Reinhold Messner Copy Share Image
I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
From 13, I knew my family was different to anybody else's. You weren't allowed to talk back at your parents or look… — Lenny Henry Copy Share Image
“Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
He's a very funny and very nice man. When you read the script, you want to stick with it. But when you're… — Raven-Symone Copy Share Image
There are funny gay people, and there are funny Indian people, and that's why we watch TV, to laugh. It only makes… — Josie Totah Copy Share Image
Our job is like a baker's work - his rolls are tasty as long as they're fresh; after two days they're stale;… — Ryszard Kapuscinski Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny how people find it hilarious when they treat peoplelike crap, but gets so offended when someone does it back… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Gosh! If a single word that comes out of your mouth earns you 0.000001$, you would still get richer than bill gate… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn. — Frank Muir Copy Share Image
Nothing has ever touched on what fun childhood was. Summer holidays were bliss. We made home movies, with real stories in them.… — Jane Birkin Copy Share Image
