John Cleese was a big hero of mine. He grew up in Weston Super Mare near Bristol where I grew up; he… — Stephen Merchant Copy Share Image
Earl Hebner used to call me 'Tiger,' so I went with the last name Woods because I thought it was funny. I'm… — Xavier Woods Copy Share Image
Girl: Take the condom off ! Boy: Why? Girl: YOLO. Boy: Okay, but if you get pregnant, YOYO. Girl: What's that ?… — Giftthabest Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
When a guy stares at you in class, it's adorable. when a girl stares at you in class, it's like. WTF.are.you.looking.at. ìì… — Sheryne Brooks Copy Share Image
It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other… — Axl Rose Copy Share Image
Man, I had a good time working on 'Grown Ups 2.' First of all, when I read the script, it is hands-down… — Stone Cold Steve Austin Copy Share Image
When I was younger I wanted to be a big movie star who'd get to be funny on talk shows and then… — Scott Thompson Copy Share Image
When people sing happy birthday to you 5% - sing 10% - smile 85% - sit there like an awkward walrus and… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's funny how we breakup/ignore the good guys until they're happily in a relationship with someone else. Then all of a sudden… — Marly Copy Share Image
I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It's funny, though, with films, because you can incorporate a variety of elements, and sometimes that can work for you and sometimes… — Guy Pearce Copy Share Image
“I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
We're gonna get weaker. That's already happened. They used to say, you know, an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now… — Karl Pilkington Copy Share Image
“The world economy would collapse if a significant number of people were to realize and then act on the realization that it… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do… — Dave Eggers Copy Share Image
It’s up there, and you can see the front of it. But what it is isn’t what you’re looking at. It’s behind… — Charles Wright Copy Share Image
The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to… — Vita Sackville-West Copy Share Image
Seriously, any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice,… — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
“He does manage the bookstore, which is currently my favorite place on earth." Her eyes glazed over. "All those books. If I… — Heather Blake Copy Share Image
“Claire elbowed him. "You must be feeling better." "Seems like it, doesn't it?" That, she thought with a sudden rush of disquiet,… — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you're wearing sweatpants & youhave no pockets. So you put your phone on your waist and it slides… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by… — Brian May Copy Share Image
It's a fun challenge to make Chucky attacking a bunch of women in an office funny, you know what I mean? Because… — Sarah Sherman Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness… — Stephen Fry Copy Share Image
You wanna do this...you wanna go right now...do you want to, GO?...then go get The Rock a bologna sandwich because this doesn't… — Dwayne Johnson Copy Share Image
That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's… — Psy Copy Share Image
“My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to… — Golda Meir Copy Share Image
Until recently, Hollywood offered only a handful of roles to actors of color. The majority of my opportunities have fallen into two… — Baron Vaughn Copy Share Image
Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended.… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
If you don't like something don't do it, and if you're doing something then you better like it. It is as simple… — Shahrukh Khan Copy Share Image
“The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay off my American Express Bill" - Peter Ustinov, 1921-2004” — Peter Ustinov Copy Share Image
I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
My dad was a fiercely funny guy, and he and his brother would get on runs. So my younger brother and I… — Ty Burrell Copy Share Image
The thing about that singles apartment is you never had to clean it up... until the day you got the security deposit… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
