“I made a sad little noise. If my dick had been capable of noise, it would have made sad sounds, too. Thank… — Adrienne Wilder Copy Share Image
I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery,… — Lenny Clarke Copy Share Image
I hope twenty minutes of watching fireworks is worth the three hours it takes to find parking to watch fireworks. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some of the vintage comedy on Radio 4 Extra wasn't very funny to begin with, whereas some things just get funnier regardless… — David Hepworth Copy Share Image
On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“He’s sitting casually at my kitchen table peeling the skin off an apple with a pocket knife, a red apple that he… — L.H. Cosway Copy Share Image
“She’d ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could… — Julia Quinn Copy Share Image
Children recognized me from 'Home Alone' in Baghdad when I was visiting the troops there. When I was in Japan, when I… — Daniel Stern Copy Share Image
Let's thank WWII vets for defeating Hitler and making America safe for lunatics who compare our leaders to Hitler. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door… — John Green Copy Share Image
When you begin your work, nothing exists. When it is finished it looks as if it just happened, spontaneously, effortlessly, convincingly. It… — Eva Zeisel Copy Share Image
Originally I had planned to write just a couple of children's books and then, return the focus on adult literature. A funny… — Nikki Grimes Copy Share Image
“So, tell me about this guy. Did you meet him at work?" "Eww. You know I'm related to everyone in the restaurant.” — Ashleigh Stevens Copy Share Image
When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly… — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
When you see someone flirting with the person you like, and they flirt back and you're just sitting there like: Oh… cool. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Staring down the barrel of a gun is the scariest thing you could ever experience. It's not funny. It's not for the… — Christina Milian Copy Share Image
I know what is funny coming out of my mouth and what is not funny coming out of my mouth. You have… — Kumail Nanjiani Copy Share Image
If you think about it, there aren't that many women who are in their 40s, who are Jewish and funny and stage-worthy. — Amanda Peet Copy Share Image
The heroines in 'That's What She Said' are flawed, messy, damaged, hilarious and culpable and not really concerned about being acceptable to… — Carrie Preston Copy Share Image
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front… — Robert De Niro Copy Share Image
I like shows where the female characters are as funny as the male characters, not just commenting on how funny the male… — Graham Linehan Copy Share Image
Dear Crush, don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You Were… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“How about a rain check?' She smiles, but I know it's not real because it doesn't crinkle her eyes. 'Sure. Some other… — Anna Banks Copy Share Image
I always feel the most validated and confident being around people that I find funny - having Fred Armisen laugh at a… — Cecily Strong Copy Share Image
Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
My father likes the oldies station, I wonder when I'm over 50 if the oldies station will play Lil Jon & the… — Devin Sanchez Copy Share Image
The casting-couch routine has been going on for ages, from top directors to the lowliest agents. I had to attend a meeting… — Mariette Hartley Copy Share Image
I had just finished working on a play, and we started to talk to the 'Happy Endings' folks. There was interest from… — James Wolk Copy Share Image
“I can’t believe he’s making you wait till January for an appointment.” “I could threaten to bomb the school. That’d get me… — Jeannine Garsee Copy Share Image
Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
When I was in high school, there was 'Superbad' and 'The Girl Next Door' and 'Wedding Crashers' and all these great movies.… — Miles Teller Copy Share Image
Son - I want a baby brother . Mom - your dad is overseas. When he comes back we will talk over… — A Josland Copy Share Image
I was never trying to be funny. Being funny feels to me like an alternate form of confessionality - that is, a… — Dan Chiasson Copy Share Image
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The gates of thought, - how slow and late they discover themselves! Yet when they appear, we see that they were always… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
You got to find a woman that can cook. How you gonna last 50 or 60 yrs?.. Most people say, well we'll… — Phil Robertson Copy Share Image
The role of a comedian is to go in and make something funny. That might be a situation where I'm writing, a… — Wyatt Cenac Copy Share Image
