Emo Philips

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball.

— Emo Philips

Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.

— Emo Philips

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

— Emo Philips

I'm not a Republican... but I am saving up to be one.

— Emo Philips

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

— Emo Philips

Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

— Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

— Emo Philips

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

— Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

— Emo Philips

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

— Emo Philips

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

— Emo Philips

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

— Emo Philips

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

— Emo Philips

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

— Emo Philips

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

— Emo Philips

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many…

— Emo Philips

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my…

— Emo Philips

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own…

— Emo Philips

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental…

— Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation…

— Emo Philips

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its…

— Emo Philips

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers.

— Emo Philips

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don't…

— Emo Philips

What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all…

— Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with…

— Emo Philips

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because…

— Emo Philips

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention…

— Emo Philips

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found,…

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they…

— Emo Philips

Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18,…

— Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was…

— Emo Philips

I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything…

— Emo Philips

The question is absurd: when you ask, 'If God is both all good and all powerful, why then does He allow suffering?',…

— Emo Philips

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

— Emo Philips

I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out.

— Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

— Emo Philips

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center.

— Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

— Emo Philips

Once I posed nude for a magazine. I've never been back to THAT newstand.

— Emo Philips