When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I'd be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I'd… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. — Emo Philips Copy Share
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get… — Emo Philips Copy Share
