People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
You know, at parties, people always ask, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi! — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
What is eternity? You're on the checkout line at a supermarket. There are seven people in front of you. They are all… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I give money to Unicef because I like the 'bang for your buck' aspect. Here's $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness! — Emo Philips Copy Share
Libertarians believe consenting adults have the right to do whatever they choose, except band together. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass… — Emo Philips Copy Share
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I don't know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I'm fairly confident that I'll be taken off… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember,… — Emo Philips Copy Share
If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you're a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And… — Emo Philips Copy Share
I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them. — Emo Philips Copy Share
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in. — Emo Philips Copy Share
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:… — Emo Philips Copy Share
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get… — Emo Philips Copy Share
