Emo Philips

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but…

— Emo Philips

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So…

— Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum…

— Emo Philips

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

— Emo Philips

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on…

— Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a…

— Emo Philips

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

— Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be…

— Emo Philips