New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like, 'There...take time out to pick… — Martin Lawrence Copy Share Image
Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of… — Guy Pearce Copy Share Image
I know an actor who would play one type of part but could never get cast as tough. Once he got cast… — Paul Dano Copy Share Image
“If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic,… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away… — Alex Matshaba Copy Share Image
In 'The Sound of Music,' I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my… — Hugh Grant Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell,… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
“Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
Selfishness is a bad habit. Thats why I always rationally think through my decisions to act without regard for others. — Benson Bruno Copy Share Image
Just when U think nothing can surprise U, U see a bus driver bring out a hand mirror to look at the… — Laylow Copy Share Image
We make everything funny, you wouldn't believe the things we laugh at. We're always laughing-people think we're completely mad! — Emma Bunton Copy Share Image
“The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters.… — Scott Westerfeld Copy Share Image
You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
“What is it about Paris that I just can’t keep my hands off of you?” I ask him in between kisses. “It… — Ella Dominguez Copy Share Image
Mrs. Boffin, insisting that Bella should make tomorrow's expedition in the chariot, she went home in great grandeur. Mrs. Wilfer and Miss… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack… — Deb Caletti Copy Share Image
My friend had a funny remark; he told me everybody has something - some people have a big butt, some people are… — Karen Duffy Copy Share Image
“What is Hell like?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. Damn my curiosity. "You've never been there?" He eyed me… — Alycia Linwood Copy Share Image
You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny,… — Iliza Shlesinger Copy Share Image
People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Silence is gold because the words are at the origin of many misfortunes but speech is silver to calm certain pains — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I lived in Miami for a while, in a section with a lot of really old people. The average age in my… — Gabe Kaplan Copy Share Image
“Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?… — Samuel Grant Oliphant Copy Share Image
It was a small town: Ferguson, Ohio. When you entered there was a big sign and it said, "Welcome to Ferguson. Beware… — Jackie Vernon Copy Share Image
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I don't consider myself a funny girl, but I do have a sense of humor because I don't take myself too seriously.… — Stephanie Sigman Copy Share Image
I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
“What do you want, MacGuffin, a duel?” “No.” Julian held out both hands, one palm flat, the other held over it in… — Abigail Roux Copy Share Image
It's funny to be in rooms where you were originally referred to as 'The Shakespeare Guy' and to suddenly be in the… — Kenneth Branagh Copy Share Image
That was the most important thing to me: making sure 'Gardner Elliot' was likeable and funny and interesting. I took my time… — Asa Butterfield Copy Share Image
“He caught her staring and smiled-not a conceited I-work-out-and-have-a-great-body type smirk, but more of a I’m-a-boy; you’re-a-girl; life is good.” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
On the internet: Ugh I hate people so much! Applying for a job: I love working with people and I'm very sociable. : — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
You can make me laugh at a thing that I think is horrific. You can make me laugh at a thing that… — Paul F. Tompkins Copy Share Image
Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
The hardest thing to find in life is happiness - money is only hard to find because it gets wasted trying to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This year, U.S. airlineswill carry a record 143 million passengers, who will be in the air for 382 million hours, during which… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I wish watching the awkwardly graphic sex scenes on Game of Thrones wasn't the closest I'd come to having a sex life… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
