“I stopped thinking and watched in horror as Tex banged the portafilter on top of the espresso machine. Monty hit a button… — Kristen Ashely Copy Share Image
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“Nana's French knickers were surely a symbol of liberty and abandonment, worn only by women who didn't care for conventional frills or… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try… — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
“I mean, my age is just a number. So what if you were born in the era when they still used rotary… — T.S. Krupa Copy Share Image
Like my old mentor would always say, Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I'll be dead.'' Okay, she… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“Some instantaneous connection had occurred between them. The very air in the room seemed to crackle with the awareness of it. A… — Jane Cousins Copy Share Image
“Right. So no plans at all then?" Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?" "Yeah, I was… — Rachel Hawkins Copy Share Image
She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a… — John Green Copy Share Image
“Your ridiculous family might be surprised to find that not everything is solved by murder," Locke calls after me. "We would be… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that… — Ernest K. Gann Copy Share Image
But I am Northern myself, and there is a certain rhythm of Northern speech that is very comical: that combination of the… — Sarah Lancashire Copy Share Image
That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know.… — Alan Vega Copy Share Image
You don't get called up to the national team because you tell good jokes, you are funny, you are handsome or because… — Mario Kempes Copy Share Image
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“Lay it on me" "I was trying to. Geez, woman, make up your mind," Fane hold her, eyes glowing. She threw one… — Quinn Loftis Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
It's funny, when your happy you never learn anything because nothing in your life is going wrong. We learn the most through… — Hero Copy Share Image
Of course mama has taught us all to use our manners. Though there are times that are appropriate for you to be… — Epifania Savea Copy Share Image
I've always been funny. I look back in the day, when I would take the mic from my dad in church and… — Brandon T. Jackson Copy Share Image
If I was at school and one of my friends said something funny, I'd write it down in a notebook and take… — Daniel Kaluuya Copy Share Image
“As he grinned, a dimple formed on his right cheek. My heart quivered. Men like him should come with a warning: date… — Jayde Scott Copy Share Image
“Maybe your aunt is funny in quiet moments with her friends because like many women her age, she was taught to not… — W. Kamau Bell Copy Share Image
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It is a sad truth, but we have lost the faculty of giving lovely names to things. Names are everything. I never… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
That moment when your trying to watch something, and your entire family decide to have a competition of who can be the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Once, after a long week, I felt so insecure that I decided to make a list of people who thought I was… — Nell Scovell Copy Share Image
There's nothing like the eureka moment of knocking off a song that didn't exist before - I won't compare it to sex,… — Paul McCartney Copy Share Image
“Though I have started emailing with one of my fellow readers whenever there's something important to say about Modern Family or Friday… — Rachel Bertsche Copy Share Image
“Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I… — Richelle Mead Copy Share Image
At Rada, I was cast as Lady Macbeth and tried to do it as seriously as I could, but people still started… — Daisy May Cooper Copy Share Image
“Avery: "Yeah right, very funny, when are you going to shoot me and dump my body at captree? This is Getting old.” — H.M. Ward Copy Share Image
“What did your mom say?" "She said I better not be pregnant." Janie snorts. "What the hell is wrong with our parents,… — Lisa McMann Copy Share Image
Dear Devil IOU sorry I sold it to god ---michael Dear God IOU sorry I sold it to the devil ------------------when the… — MrAwesome Copy Share Image
I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. — Russell Howard Copy Share Image
