I always wanted my kids to like me and think I was funny, so I made up this story about a kid… — Rhea Perlman Copy Share Image
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with… — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.” “Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting… — Robyn Carr Copy Share Image
“The man persisted. "No, no, no. It was so funny. What software did you use?" - apparently in the belief that the… — David A. Price Copy Share Image
All people go through moments that are tough, but looking at them through comedy is so fun. You can look at anything… — Helene Yorke Copy Share Image
The neighborhood grocery clerk asked for my picture. Does this mean I can no longer wear pajama bottoms when I grocery shop? — Carly Rae Jepsen Copy Share Image
Thinks it is not very funny that the people who said I'll never hurt you are the ones that hurt you the… — MisLali Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do… — Brian Regan Copy Share Image
“Dating is basically this weird thing where you go out and pretend to be someone you're not until the other person likes… — Kevin Molesworth Copy Share Image
For me, I can't watch violence when it's too grotesque, and it's just like, that's revolting to watch. I don't enjoy it.… — Aaron Taylor-Johnson Copy Share Image
“-Question: "On a scale from one to ten how fierce are you?"- David: "You are just asking me this because I am… — David Levithan Copy Share Image
“Hopefully he'll forget about his little vendetta against you.' 'Do most men forget when a woman holds a knife to their balls?” — Rebecca Yarros Copy Share Image
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just… — Shubham Joshi Copy Share Image
It's funny; I think I'm at a level of recognizability - is that even a word? - where it's just really nice.… — Zach Woods Copy Share Image
“Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?" "A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes.” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
“Classy.' Mara shines the flashlight on my chest as she climbs into the beached boat and sits across from me. 'It was… — Jeri Smith-Ready Copy Share Image
“I glared at him. “You didn't leave me alone for five minutes, you left me alone for a week. I could have… — Gillibran Brown Copy Share Image
Life can be funny and serious. We either laugh over it or cry over it. But Life itself doesn't care about such… — Terry Mark Copy Share Image
“The Rangers were founded over one hundred and fifty years ago, in King Herbert's reign. Do you know anything about him?" Halt… — John Flanagan Copy Share Image
Verily I say unto you, he that heareth my word and believeth on Him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall… — Dwight L. Moody Copy Share Image
When voting for the Pope, it's top secret. No one is to reveal who they voted for. If they do, it's considered… — Laura S Copy Share Image
When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through. — Albert Payson Terhune Copy Share Image
I can find the worst thing in the world funny. My humour is dark. If I'm talking about the worst situations in… — Slowthai Copy Share Image
Your girlfriend takes so much time to get dressed not because she wants other men to like her but because she wants… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole. -Facilius per partes in cognitionem totius adducimur — Seneca the Younger Copy Share Image
But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with… — Charlie Sheen Copy Share Image
Mirror: awh! you look good today! so pretty! Camera: ahaha! is that a girl or adog? paper bag that face pleaaaseee! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
He presents me with what is always an acceptable gift who brings me news of a great thought before unknown. He enriches… — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
Let's promise we'll always stay close friends but ultimately settle for periodic glances at each other's Facebook status updates. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I remember playing that tennis game with the two sticks, 'Pong.' That was crazy when I first saw it. It's funny to… — Ben Wallace Copy Share Image
“On a date, if you look more often to your phone than to your girlfriend/wife, then you have a problem... but if… — Alin Sav Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I've got a funny way of looking at things. It's because I'm dyslexic, and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was… — Lee Ryan Copy Share Image
I thought it was really funny that half the people I autographed things for said, 'Autograph the back of my phone.' I… — Willow Shields Copy Share Image
When giving directions to Joe Garagiola to his New Jersey home, which is accessible by two routes: "When you come to a… — Yogi Berra Copy Share Image
I adore the company of other writers because they are so often lively minds and, frequently, blazingly funny. And of course, we… — Scott Turow Copy Share Image
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of… — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
When it comes to black female comedians, it's like, if you're not overweight, are you funny? There's rules, like, you can't be… — Yvonne Orji Copy Share Image
Sometimes what we deem a failure at the time it happens actually serves to foster a change within us that creates an… — Marianne Williamson Copy Share Image
![“Classy.' Mara shines the flashlight on my chest as she climbs into the beached boat and sits across from me. 'It was either this ["Bass Man" sweatshirt] or "Master Baiter". Or freezing to death.” quote by Jeri Smith-Ready](https://sms4smile.com/q/i/e57/jeri-smith-ready-3642_funny_classy-mara-shines-the-flashlight-on-my_2358804.png)
