My parents are very funny when they have to deal with anything racy or off-color. They usually pretend they don't speak English. — Margaret Cho Copy Share Image
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic, I'm nothing. Because if you're Hispanic and you get… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But… — Brittany Snow Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I feel that the only concept of fairness in our society is creams like fair & lovely or fair & handsome.” — Jeroninio Almeida Copy Share Image
“What do you think, Galen?" Lady Fern asked in a sugary voice. Galen chewed slowly and painfully, swallowing tentatively. It's very unique,"… — Riley Carney Copy Share Image
“Her heart sank. That's why he found her attractive- because he'd been so long without. He'd probably find a perfumed rock appealing… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
I just wanted to let you know when you're feeling down and need someone I'm always here for you, only on facebook… — From The Movie Ted Copy Share Image
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Your stupid, insane, ugly, and annoying but that's okay I'm like that to we're best friends and that's all that matters we… — Amber Copy Share Image
I like reading Ball Tongue lyrics and all that stuff. And they published a book, and I wouldn't give my lyrics, and… — Jonathan Davis Copy Share Image
Playing game alone is more scared me out than watching a horror movie alone in the night and rainy with lightning. When… — RK26 Copy Share Image
I have comedic things in my stuff, but I don't consider myself a comedian. I'm just a YouTuber, I guess just a… — Ryan Higa Copy Share Image
I don't write on set. I also - in a funny way, I don't really differentiate between the writing and directing. I… — Alex Garland Copy Share Image
Thinks its funny when girls use slutty profile pics to get attention, might as well have a status that says my shit… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If they said: 'Would you like to be on Gogglebox?' I would just stand up, put my shoes on and begin walking… — Grace Dent Copy Share Image
“Pick on someone your own size, 'Cassian said to Amren, shoveling roast chicken into his mouth. 'I'd feel bad for the mice,'… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
I married young. I had an instinct that this man was going to really wear well, and he has. For me, this… — Susan Lucci Copy Share Image
I don't get along with anything, I really don't...I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being. — Bill Hicks Copy Share Image
I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her… — Uri Geller Copy Share Image
In 2003, my mom actually gave me a call, which is funny because she works at the European Union in Brussels, Belgium,… — Anthony Levandowski Copy Share Image
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon… — Ray Romano Copy Share Image
I don't understand how some people have the courage to tell their crush they like them. I don't even have the courage… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I started learning to sing what I liked, to experience it in a visceral way. Then it's inside. Get rid of the… — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
“I want to have fun," I said. "I'm tired of not having fun. Think about it: For five days all we'll have… — Scott Haas Copy Share Image
“What you're experiencing isn't a dry spell. It's a dust bowl. Tell me, do you find cob webs in there every time… — Parker S. Huntington Copy Share Image
“Don't get me wrong. Sacramento is a lovely place, particularly for those with a fondness for methamphetamines. For the meth-addled, Sacramento had… — J. Maarten Troost Copy Share Image
“Suddenly I began to wonder how to please so many people. do I take the magnesium citrate? What about the coffee enema?… — Gilda Radner Copy Share Image
Weird Al was something that kids would listen to. It's funny, super funny, smart. It's just kind of jokey. I remember hearing… — John Gourley Copy Share Image
I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
Dogs: YOU'RE HOME! OMG I LOVE YOU! Cats: Greetings human. As you have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it. I'll be… — Asmaa Copy Share Image
When a dramatic actor does a funny film, people are like, 'Wonderful! I didn't know he was funny!' But when it flips,… — Will Ferrell Copy Share Image
“You slutty, little whore.” Her lips twisted cruelly. The sun hit her eyes and reflected a flaming red color, her pupils narrowing.I… — Stacey Marie Brown Copy Share Image
Unfortunately the ppl who would do the most good w/ a large sum of $ are often the same ppl who have… — Hal Elrod Copy Share Image
“Make sure the seaweed lies flat.' 'Okay.' 'Leave an inch below the knee.' 'Okay.' 'It's got to be loose enough to put… — Maggie Stiefvater Copy Share Image
I wrote the word debauchery, but when I re-read it, I thought I had written douchebaggery. Both words would work... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Peaches found herself wondering if Mary, a tiny brunette with an unprepossessing manner and less than ‘stellar’ work ethics, had to play… — A.T. Hicks Copy Share Image
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was handsome I would have exactly one dollar...Thanks mom!!!! — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
My phone is like my lover…its the last thing I see at night , and the first thing I wake up to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If mom was here she would be subtweeting all over the place stuff like : who's gonna buy groceries : who's gonna… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
