I've always loved 'Umbrella.' Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I'm not saying it was meant for me or anything -… — Christina Milian Copy Share Image
I need a Girl That will love me for who I am. I need one that will treat me with respect. and… — Armin Ferizovic Copy Share Image
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to… — Wally Wang Copy Share Image
“I pull his hand up to my chest. "It's okay. Some of my best friends are in the mob. It must be… — Giorge Leedy Copy Share Image
“Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't… — Sara Sheridan Copy Share Image
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
You know what? I never really factor Hollywood into anything. I'm a black actor, so I can't really control what Hollywood thinks.… — Jamie Foxx Copy Share Image
People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually,… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it.… — Kristen Stewart Copy Share Image
The media know exactly what they're doing, focusing our attention on Arsenio's hairdo. We need to keep our brains brimming with rubbish.… — Cynthia Heimel Copy Share Image
I've been a fan of accents my whole life. I love trying to parrot or mimic voices that I hear every day,… — Paul Walter Hauser Copy Share Image
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with… — Nelson Algren Copy Share Image
I listen like mad to any conversation taking place next to me just trying to hear why this is funny. Women's restrooms… — Lynda Barry Copy Share Image
I'm a little bit scared of everything. It's kind of funny. Whenever people ask me how I'm feeling, I'm like, 'I don't… — Rico Nasty Copy Share Image
The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do. — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
A Sardar was working 1st time in a garment shop. A customer girl asked: Underwear dikhana plz. Sardar thora sharmakar: G aaj… — Sadie Copy Share Image
I love some of the most hateful tweets. I think they're very funny. In the negative attacks on me, there are frequently… — Lawrence O'Donnell Copy Share Image
Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but… — William Howard Taft Copy Share Image
When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
The funny thing as an actor is that you show up on the set, and your key goal really is to make… — Benjamin Bratt Copy Share Image
Audience laughter, when it's deserved, acts as a sort of fairy dust that makes funny moments not just funny, but joyous. — Graham Linehan Copy Share Image
“Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.” Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?” “What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve… — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — Oscar Wilde Copy Share Image
“I pushed Ezra back for a second. He had taken the make out session up a notch upon Logan’s arrival. I knew… — Melissa Starr Copy Share Image
I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
But ye gotta know where ye're just gonna rush in. Ye cannae just rush in anywhere. It looks bad, havin' to rush… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“It's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the… — Charlie Brooker Copy Share Image
If I couldn't get to where I wanted to by being my organic self - which is a smart, funny, unapologetically black… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
In my world, everything has the potential to be funny. Joyful things, painful things... It's all about how you view it and… — Jinkx Monsoon Copy Share Image
It's a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote 'Jessie's Girl,' and he probably gets sick of talking about 'Jessie's Girl.' The thing is,… — Emily Ratajkowski Copy Share Image
My legs tired, ain't your legs tired!? His legs ain't Tired! He Just... Tinktinktinktinktinktink, TinktinkTinktinkTinktink!! Just paperclips and Sparks everywhere! — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
“ "Joss" "What?" "What?" Dylan asked back. "You just said my name." "No I didn't" "Sorry that was me." I sat up,… — Susan Bischoff Copy Share Image
You've built your homeyou've fledged your birdsyou've beaten the windwith your bonesyou've finished alonewhat no one began — Alejandra Pizarnik Copy Share Image
“I can't believe this heat," Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that… — Shawn Keenan Copy Share Image
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork.… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
Facebooks achievements may well be in question but it definitely introduced innovative ways of begging to Like a post or Comment on… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
