I feel really trapped as a comedian - someone who is supposed to be funny and light, making jokes all the time.… — Whitney Cummings Copy Share Image
A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me A sense… — Stephen Crane Copy Share Image
“We, in the interest of the so-called progress, have been persuaded to leave the production and at times the cooking of our… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
I woke up and I just saw all these things, like 'RIP Skai Jackson,' and I'm like, 'Why do people think I'm… — Skai Jackson Copy Share Image
Ek Ladke Ne Ek Ladki Ko Kamal Ka Phul Diya? Ladki Ne Usko Ek Thappad Mar Diya, Ladka Bola Me To BJP… — Sadie Copy Share Image
“Babe, best wool men ever pulled was lettin’ women think we think with our dicks. We pay a fuckuva lot of attention.… — Kristen Ashley Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like… — Amy Summers Copy Share Image
When you're a comedic actor and you're used to just getting laughs, it's kind of scary to go serious, even for a… — Megyn Price Copy Share Image
They'll crucify you for staying the same, and they'll crucify you for change. I'd rather be crucified for changing. — Joni Mitchell Copy Share Image
A lot of comedic things are a real science - comedy has so many layers that I, at least, didn't see before… — Renee Rapp Copy Share Image
May your day be touched with sunshine your heart overflow with love & your soul sing with hope. May everything in your… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“FatherMichael has entered the room Wildflower: Ah don’t tell me you’re through a divorce yourself Father? SureOne: Don’t be silly Wildflower, have… — Cecelia Ahern Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I am as vulnerable and fragile as it is possible to be. I am shredded to the core. I am at the… — Rachel Hunter Copy Share Image
I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny. — Paula Deen Copy Share Image
I just love carbs. And when I'm on vacation I definitely allow myself carbs, so it's always funny when people are like,… — Ashley Tisdale Copy Share Image
There is little chance that meteorologists can solve the mysteries of weather until they gain an understanding of the mutual attraction of… — Arnot Sheppard Copy Share Image
“Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in… — Sarah Mayberry Copy Share Image
“She’s so elderly that I’m sure she was alive before sex was invented. She conceived Mick’s Dad by shaking hands with a… — Charlotte Stein Copy Share Image
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
Yes, I see the Mobile Base System really is the shoulder of the arm. The arm is right there, like a human… — Philippe Perrin Copy Share Image
It's so funny: whenever there's a new technology introduced, there's always this fear it's going to end entertainment as we know it.… — Elvis Mitchell Copy Share Image
“I thought, What a miserable life he's had, having to hide his religion, his name, just to get a job as a… — Aravind Adiga Copy Share Image
My knowledge of Vancouver and Canada was limited to what I knew about Bob and Doug McKenzie. I thought they were funny,… — Peter DeLuise Copy Share Image
One thing you learn from surfing is how to operate in the present. It's really what the surfing experience is all about. — Gerry Lopez Copy Share Image
“I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a… — Andrea Cremer Copy Share Image
I love weird or funny or beautiful sentences; Joy Williams could write a microwave-oven manual and I'm sure I'd love it, because… — Karen Russell Copy Share Image
I think the English are bipolar. 'We're the greatest, no we're terrible' - that's a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there's… — Dara O Briain Copy Share Image
Opening for Louis C.K. during his "Hilarious" tour was a great experience for me. He is the generation just ahead of me,… — Ted Alexandro Copy Share Image
I was just a ham since about the age of five. If I was performing at Medieval Times or something, I'd be… — Emma Stone Copy Share Image
Reason why I'm single 1) I can't date myself 2) I can't date my celebrity crush 3) I can't date food 4)… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave… — John Glenn Copy Share Image
Never be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. If people get angry, you can always pretend you were just… — John Alejandro King Copy Share Image
“CONFESSION NO. 1 Most women find the bloating, cramping, and bitchiness of PMS bothersome at worst. I turn into a monster a… — Ronda Thompson Copy Share Image
You initially become funny as a kid because you're looking for attention and love. Psychologists think that's all to do with mother… — Eric Idle Copy Share Image
I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a… — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
