Teacher:Why are you chewing gum in my class?!?! Me:Dude, chill, it's gum, not cocaine. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
This New Years, I'm going to party like Maury just told me I'm not the father! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Oh, that feeling of rejection when the automatic door doesn't open for you ^_^ — Jessi Messahh Copy Share Image
Never ever apologize for saying what you feel. That's like saying sorry for being real. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. — Russell Baker Copy Share Image
Mom: Hey , why are you all dressed up? Where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom , I need a new… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I never saw anything funny in a car commercial - but that's OK. Whatever they wanted to do - it's their product… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“They put me in jail. Holy shit. They put me in fucking jail. Call my mother and tell her I love her,… — Lila Monroe Copy Share Image
Humor has the tendency to be funny once. If I tell you a joke, we're going to have a big laugh. But… — Marcel Wanders Copy Share Image
My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You know, Stephen says, in the movies no one ever goes to the bathroom. They shave, they brush their teeth. He goes… — Lawrence Kasdan Copy Share Image
It's been very important throughout my career that I've met all the guys I've copied, because at each stage they've said, 'Don't… — Eric Clapton Copy Share Image
Comedy ages quicker than tragedy, to the extent that we can't know if the 10 commandments may originally have been 10 hilarious one-liners. — Arthur Smith Copy Share Image
Ok summer I'm sorry for bad mouthing you bout being so hot, can you come back?? Its freakin cold! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Free choice - a small selection between pre-established necessities. — Herbert Marcuse Copy Share Image
Thanks to Halloween... the cobwebs in our house have just become decorations! — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
“There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
Carl Lewis wasn't a great sprinter. He could only run fast for like 9 seconds. — Serge Ibaka Copy Share Image
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Twitter. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“There is nothing more American than buying a Japanese car on the 4th of July” — Johnny Corn Copy Share Image
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
Farming, if you do one thing late, you will be late in all your work. — Cato the Elder Copy Share Image
Everybody says shit happens, but dont you hate it when there is no toilet paper? — Ana Copy Share Image
Doctor falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :-) I Love U sister — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
I just tried to kill a bug with hairspray, it didn't die, but its hair looked fabulous. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm going to eat something I found on the ground ... and when I do, I'm going to say Yum Yum! — Higher Grounds Copy Share Image
I was this non-threatening funny guy who contrasted the image of the Brezhnevs and the Reagans of the world. — Yakov Smirnoff Copy Share Image
