Funny Quotes · Page 805

There's nothing less funny than someone who looks cool. There's nothing more unappealing.

— Eric Wareheim

Some events do take place but are not true; others are, although they never occurred.

— Elie Wiesel

There will never be any more perfection than there is now.

— Walt Whitman

I'm funny about that. I don't want to change my name or the color of my hair.

— Vera-Ellen

I act like I don't care but deep inside...I really don't care

— Ritu Ghatourey

My math book committed suicide, he had too many problems.: D

— Arjun Loveable

People who use Tabs to make phone calls, might use an axe to cut vegetables.

— Anonymous

I knew my mother had it in for me from a young age. My bath toys were an electric toaster and hair-dryer.

— Anonymous

The funny thing about nationalism is that there are two sides to it. Some parts of it are beautiful, but there's an…

— Gregory Porter

If you'd been a prisoner liberated from the Bastille, I'd have carefully considered your plight before alerting the authorities.

— Anonymous

I would call it a comedy variety show. We have some people just doing straight standup. We usually try to have one…

— Todd Barry

It's funny; before I started writing professionally, I had a job logging video footage for behind-the-scenes footage for special features.

— Paul Rust

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the…

— Chris Rock

I don't like somebody saying to me in their performance, 'Look at this. Isn't this funny?' I pray that I don't do…

— Carol Kane

Here's my idea for another one of those reality-based TV shows: No Survivors! One by one, a psychopathic serial killer tracks down…

— Nikhil Saluja

“I don’t like to be one to say I told you so.” Perri nudged her sister, as Alia stifled yet another yawn.…

— Jane Cousins

The Irish are a very fair people, they never speak well of one another.

— Anonymous

Congratulations on quitting smoking and not yet becoming morbidly obese.

— Anonymous

This Friendship Day, let's pause to remember how empty our lives would be without alcohol.

— Anonymous

If being awesome is a crime, I'd be serving a life sentence.

— Michael Angelo De Leon

In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.

— Bo Burnham

I would prefer to write about everything; what else is there? But one must be selective.

— Edward Abbey

Every day is important for us because it is a day ordained by God.

— Jerry Bridges

Kyriakos Papadopoulos is really funny. So is Karim Bellarabi. They are full of jokes in the dressing room.

— Son Heung-min

There's always that one person that can make you smile, even when you're at your lowest pint.

— Anonymous

The tribunal of God and of the pope is one and the same.

— Ignaz von Dollinger

I retired early for health reasons - my company was sick of me and I was sick of them.

— Anonymous

Nothing changes, until you change. Everything changes, once you change

— Julian Lennon

If you do not have the time to read, you do not have the time to lead.

— Phillip C. Schlechty

Isn't it funny how I'm dying to see you, but you don't even know I'm here?

— Amber Hope

It doesn't matter if you're black or white, I'll love you, but if you are orange, then well…

— LyLe

“Pie in a bed of raw onions. Human skull looking put-upon. -- Howl”

— Diana Wynne Jones

My dog knows when to leave when not wanted, other bitches, not so smart.

— Anonymous

There's a funny line between feeling objectified and feeling supported and it's a very odd one.

— Tom Bateman

When I was on 'Top Gear' they thought it was funny I used to have a Vauxhall Cavalier convertible.

— Harry Enfield

The force that was in the airport, this force was destroyed.

— Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf

Seek not the paths of the ancients; Seek that which the ancients sought.

— Matsuo Basho

It is not up to the senators to determine whether an NGO is bogus or not

— Jinggoy Estrada

If I knew what the meaning of art was, I wouldn't tell you.

— Pablo Picasso

I loved the sound of the words, even if I was not entirely sure what all of them meant.

— Neil Gaiman