Funny Quotes · Page 808

I've written 'Eclipsed' as a funny story. It is completely bonkers.

— Dominic Holland

There is only one po- sition for an artist anywhere: and that is, upright.

— Dylan Thomas

The most reliable components are the ones you leave out.

— Gordon Bell

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

— Charles M. Schulz

I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

— Anonymous

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

— Mitch Hedberg

You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you.

— Dan Millman

The more you invest in your happiness, the more happiness will invest in you.

— Alan Cohen

I went out with a guy who once told me I didnt need to drink to make myself more fun to be…

— Chelsea Handler

I guess something that I've noticed from American acts who had success in touring is more of an explanation as to their…

— Ben Lovett

Quick! I need a good made up superhero name! (my friends and I need them for school) I was told by someone…

— Anonymous

TIP...(Ladies)...if u took a pic of ya asz N u upload it 40mins ago & only got 7 r less like dat…

— IG:catone_2_funny

Mistakes can be funny. I drove a car into a bollard and it was pretty amusing because it was while I was…

— Lou Sanders

Im literally my own best friend. I have inside jokes with myself, sometimes Ill start laughing out loud at how funny I…

— Ted

It's so funny because when you're working with an acquaintance or someone else, you're being more polite. I find that I'm a…

— Colbie Caillat

It's funny, because not everyone can make the NBA, but timing and being in the right situation is something that can make…

— Joe Ingles

Admit it.. once in your life, you tried to drink out of your cup like a dog.

— Anonymous

Grubb goes back, back... He's under the warning track and makes the play.

— Jerry Coleman

I need Google in my mind,anti virus in heart and Photoshop on my face.

— Punkinhead Abhishek

That pitch wasn't down and in, that pitch was down and up.

— Tim McCarver

Beauty and ugliness disappear equally under the wrinkles of age; one is lost in them the other hidden.

— Jonathan Petit Senn

I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.

— Joe Biden

I kind of hate Halloween parties. I usually just go for the boos.

— Anonymous

Sorry that telling me about your great new iPhone drained its entire battery.

— Anonymous

That Awkward moment when you're watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene comes on.

— Kollkid

Am I the only person who ever wondered why kamikazes wore helmets?

— Anonymous

Here's to your divorce taking place during bikini season.

— Anonymous

There are as many Africas as there are books about Africa...

— Beryl Markham

Every dog, we are told, has his day, unless there are more dogs than days.

— Bat Masterson

I laugh even harder when I want to explain why I'm laughing. ( Happens always ) :D

— Ritu Ghatourey

Nobody has so many friends that he can afford to lose one.

— Edward Abbey

After 10 pegs, I think Im the most interesting person in the world.

— Green Monk

I checked my emotional closet ... the shelves are empty.

— Higher Grounds

All I have to do is think and not be influenced by others,

— Warren Buffett

The Parish makes the constable, and when the constable is made, he governs the Parish.

— John Selden

Freedom just around the corner for you, but with the truth so far off, what good will it do?

— Bob Dylan

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open

— Jim Norton

You know you're a Hoe when you tweet RT if you've ever seen me naked and you end up trending worldwide

— Boat_Grandberry

People haven't seen me in a comedic setting, but that's who I really am.

— Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

— Conan O'Brien