Old people at weddings always poke me and say You're Next. So I started doing the same to them at funerals — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I may not know much, but I know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad. — Lyndon B Johnson Copy Share Image
Faith transforms the whole person precisely to the extent that he or she becomes open to love. — Pope Francis Copy Share Image
I wanted to see what was there for me once, what is there for me now. — Lillian Hellman Copy Share Image
Here's to Miley Cyrus for somehow making all Halloween costumes prior to 2013 look shockingly unslutty. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is bad to live for necessity; but there is no necessity to live in necessity. — Seneca the Younger Copy Share Image
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
“Then Leo realized something was blocking the middle of his view. Something large and fuzzy, and so close, Leo had to cross… — Rick riodan Copy Share Image
Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen.… — Milton Berle Copy Share Image
Mondays and Thursdays are two bitches that I have to deal with. Monday's a bitch cause its the start of the week,… — Epifania Savea Copy Share Image
“Simon whispered to me, “But is everything okay?” “No,” Tori said. “I kidnapped her and forced her to escape with me. I’ve… — Kelley Armstrong Copy Share Image
“If I had been born in the 1700′s, presumably children had a bigger vocabulary than I had which means I wouldn’t have… — John Branyan Copy Share Image
This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some things hit close to home with people, and it's going to be hard to tell someone who lost somebody on 9/11… — Michael Che Copy Share Image
“I have been married for thirty years now. But time heals everything.” — Ljupka Cvetanova Copy Share Image
Press to make the public incapable of judging, to insinuate into it the... — Walter Benjamin Copy Share Image
Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Saddam International Airport — Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf Copy Share Image
If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it. — George Burns Copy Share Image
Dating an ex is the equivalent of failing a test you already had the answers to. — Kendrick Cole Copy Share Image
“The average adult has had sex innumerable times more than they have formed an opinion of their own.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Never say 'that won't happen to me'. Life has a funny way of proving us wrong. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
What is true for you is what you have observed yourself. And when you lose that, you have lost everything. — L. Ron Hubbard Copy Share Image
We can't hear the balance yet because the soloist is still on the airplane. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
“What the hell was she doing on the nonhostage side of a handgun?” — Suzanne Brockmann Copy Share Image
I just found out I passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do-.- — Amanda Roberts Copy Share Image
I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served in an ashtray. — Henry Beard Copy Share Image
There is nothing funny about a well-adjusted, intelligent person making the right choices. — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
Where all pretend to be thinking alike, it's likely that no one is thinking at all. — Edward Abbey Copy Share Image
