Buy a condom, ribbed for her pleasure. Turn it inside out, now it's ribbed for your pleasure. — Katt Williams Copy Share Image
The only thing that weakens worry is work, so I will be working for Marie Corfield — Cory Booker Copy Share Image
Forgiveness is God's greatest gift because it meets our greatest need. — David Platt Copy Share Image
After being impaled by a javelin, while officiating- I'm doing fine now, just resting and hanging around. — Jeremy Campbell Copy Share Image
I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
We're happy that you were able to come to the wedding despite not having time to RSVP with the self addressed, pre-paid… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point… — Richard Carlson Copy Share Image
“Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a… — Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Copy Share Image
Funny enough, there have been puppets in everything I've written because I have a huge love of puppets. There's a big puppet… — Jason Segel Copy Share Image
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My dad's really funny. The male sense of humor - like my grandfather's and such - is pretty bizarre. Basically my dad's… — Kurt Vile Copy Share Image
America is a nation of 270 million people: 100 million of them are gangsters, another 100 million are hustlers, 50 million are… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into. — Bill Burr Copy Share Image
In science, read, by preference, the newest works; in literature the oldest. — Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1st Baron Lytton Copy Share Image
Its true, I cant make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
People who say life is a bed of roses usually complain about sleeping in thorns. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I used to pretend wafer sticks were cigarettes... I was just that badass — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Withdraw to the untroubled quietude deep within the soul, and refresh yourself. — Marcus Aurelius Copy Share Image
The craft of the merchant is this bringing a thing where it abounds to where it is costly. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
“Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll land on them on your way down” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
It is harmful to compare yourself to others. Others will do that for you. — John Wooden Copy Share Image
If Damon Wayans is not breaking, it's a miracle. He is so funny that he makes everyone die laughing. — Casey Wilson Copy Share Image
All exercises that you do with your own bodyweight are great. — Arnold Schwarzenegger Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, Is just a three-ring circus: engagement, wedding, and suffer; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Strange about learning; the farther I go the more I see that I never knew even existed. — Daniel Keyes Copy Share Image
“He wondered if her spy had stumbled upon his last night. When did he start thinking like his mother?” — Johanna Lindsey Copy Share Image
Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. — Euripides Copy Share Image
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Best merchants are the ones who dictate cool, not those who try to predict it! — Kevin Plank Copy Share Image
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight! — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
