I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I typed the word Google into Google. Guess what came up? Everything. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.” — Michael Bassey Johnson Copy Share Image
I love when my parents saybring me my wallet and I'll give you some money. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Don’t tell me how good you make it; tell me how good it makes me when I use it. — Leo Burnett Copy Share Image
“There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good.” — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated. — Jim Norton Copy Share Image
But the way they phrase those things when you get to the voting booth, you don't know which way you're voting, cause… — Kyle Cease Copy Share Image
“But you won’t abdicate." Of course not. It’s my duty to go on, to maintain the line. I can’t possibly fail in… — Mark Helprin Copy Share Image
“As the station wagon pulled back onto the highway, the sun was slowly sinking below the horizon like a leaky boat. Well,… — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
It's a tough one because some comedians and some genres of comedy seek to shock or offend, or make somebody say, 'woah,… — Rebecca Root Copy Share Image
Readjusted law school expectations: when you're so excited that your 'to do' list is down to only 143 items due in the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“How are you feeling Sweet Peach?” he enquires as he walks across to the chest of drawers, selects a pair of socks… — J.C. McClean Copy Share Image
*What happens when me and my mom get bored* Me: *dancing* Mom: What are you doing? Me: I'm dropping it like it's… — Danielle Boyd Copy Share Image
It's funny because, based on the music I was making before, if you'd asked me who was the one gatekeeper or influencer… — Maggie Rogers Copy Share Image
