Funny Quotes · Page 224

Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.

— Henry Beard

Do-gooders--if theyd only do good.

— J. Vernon McGee

If you haven't failed, you haven't tried very hard…

— Shirley Hufstedler

What's this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?

— Al Pacino

They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work…

— Barnabas

It is necessary to DARE what must be attempted.

— Eliphas Levi

That which is denied cannot be healed.

— Brennan Manning

Lights off , no camera . but she is the ACTION

— KeeDrippy

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, not even a...SORRY.

— Anonymous

Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, Where the hell did that shirt go?

— Anonymous

Theres one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbors.

— Clyde Moore

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the beginning of the day.

— H. L. Hunt

Its a funny thing that when a man hasnt anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.

— Green Monk

I want my tombstone to read YOU ARE HERE with a red arrow pointing down.

— Green Monk

“I'll drop you back to test driver so fast it will make your bra snap.”

— Doug Solter

We are what we are because we have been what we have been.

— Sigmund Freud

“Why were things funny? Was God laughing at us? Or was laughter the dispensation of God? Maybe laughter itself was Godlike. When…

— Richard Tillotson

Australians are decent people with the right instincts and they wish everybody well; but if all is not well, it is none…

— George Mikes

“A shadow crossed Andrea's face. "I don't want to be his TWT-IHFB." "What does that mean?" "That Weird Thing I Haven't Fucked…

— Ilona Andrews

There have always been funny women. But in some ways, it takes a while for there to be women who were watching…

— Megan Ganz

Actually the best thing I did was to get thrown out by my wife. She's living with a fitness instructor. He drinks…

— Steve Coogan

It takes truth to live with a swiftly changing world. Nothing less than truth can survive. You cannot survive with anything less…

— L. Ron Hubbard

“I hated meatloaf. It was like something that Satan pooped out after an eternity of constipation. So I told Mom because I…

— Hayden Thorne

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball,…

— Henny Youngman

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

— Erma Bombeck

Sext: Can you please bring some toilet paper?

— Nikhil Saluja

I try to think of myself as both comedic and dramatic.

— Sam Lloyd

Those who read this, It means I love you

— Anonymous

Don't improve it into a flop!

— Samuel Goldwyn

He chose better for me, He always chooses better

— Yasmin Mogahed

Freedom for the pike is death for the minnow.

— R. H. Tawney

You're either competing or you're not.

— Pete Carroll

Dont piss on my back and tell me its raining.

— Unknow

Never buy anything simply because it is expensive.

— Oscar Wilde

Whoever has God lacks nothing. God alone suffices.

— Teresa of Avila

This We Know. All Things Are Connected

— Chief Seattle

It is time to finish off the U.S. once and for all.

— Bobby Fischer

You create yourself in the image you hold in your mind.

— Thomas Dreier

Dude, she just called you fat. Oh hell no! hold my cake

— Anonymous

No great goal was ever easily achieved.

— Margaret Thatcher