Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I can levitate birds. No one cares. — Woody Allen
Women like a man with a past, but they prefer a man with a present — Mae West
It's never just a game when you're winning. — George Carlin
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? — Woody Allen
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. — Woody Allen
A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk', to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow… — Winston Churchill
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. — Woody Allen
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? — George Carlin
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist. — George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own… — George Carlin
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. — George Carlin
Men are my hobby, if I ever got married I'd have to give it up. — Mae West
Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag. — Mae West
A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed. — George Carlin
Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka. — Woody Allen
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ. — Woody Allen
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers? — George Carlin
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. — George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think. — George Carlin
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal. — Groucho Marx
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social. — Woody Allen
Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting. — Winston Churchill
When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone. — Winston Churchill

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: