Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

You are never too old to become younger! — Mae West
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! — Douglas Adams
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty. — Woody Allen
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without… — Dave Barry
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? — George Carlin
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in making those idiots… — Mark Twain
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1)… — David Letterman
Wagner’s music is better than it sounds. — Mark Twain
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend. — George Carlin
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin
He hadn’t a single redeeming vice. — Oscar Wilde
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day? — George Carlin
Show me a young Conservative and I'll show you someone with no heart. Show me an old Liberal and I'll show you someone with no… — Winston Churchill
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds. — Woody Allen
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club,… — George Carlin
But it is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, which,… — William Shakespeare
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin
I'm single because I was born that way. — Mae West
Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.'… — Jay Leno
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. — Woody Allen
This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor says, Well, why don’t you turn… — Woody Allen
The wicked at heart probably know something. — Woody Allen
The heart wants what it wants. — Woody Allen
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: