Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up. — Woody Allen
I would have made a good pope. — Richard M. Nixon
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's. — Groucho Marx
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If… — George Carlin
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. — David Gerrold
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. — Woody Allen
I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I… — Woody Allen
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym. — Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly… — Woody Allen
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to… — Jerry Seinfeld
Facts are the enemy of truth. — Miguel de Cervantes
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. — Woody Allen
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin
Black holes are where God divided by zero. — Albert Einstein
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. — Albert Einstein
The attempt to develop a sense of humor and to see things in a humorous light is some kind of a trick learned while mastering… — Viktor E. Frankl
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser! — Woody Allen
If a little is great, and a lot is better, then way too much is just about right! — Mae West
Everyone has the right to run his own life- even if you're heading for a crash. What I'm against is blind flying. — Mae West
Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes. — Mae West
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that. — Groucho Marx
I always advise people never to give advice. — P.G. Wodehouse
Whatever it is, I'm against it. — Groucho Marx

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: