Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact… — Woody Allen
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. — Mark Twain
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. — Woody Allen
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier. — Woody Allen
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was… — Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the… — Woody Allen
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio. — Woody Allen
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. — Woody Allen
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. — Hector Hugh Munro
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. — Woody Allen
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. — C.S. Lewis
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber. — Winston Churchill
I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. — Groucho Marx
A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own,… — P.G. Wodehouse
You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it. — Gilbert K. Chesterton
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member. — Woody Allen
I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food — Erma Bombeck
My brain? That's my second favorite organ. — Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. — Woody Allen
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth… — Groucho Marx
Everyone is in favor of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people's idea of it is that they are… — Winston Churchill
It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing. — Albert Einstein
Many public-school children seem to know only two dates—1492 and 4th of July; and as a rule they don't know what happened on either occasion. — Mark Twain
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. — George Carlin
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own. — Woody Allen

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: