Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered… — George Carlin
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to… — Thomas Carlyle
And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room. — Woody Allen
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. — Adlai E. Stevenson
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones? — Samuel Beckett
The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the… — Groucho Marx
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. — Steve Martin
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. — Groucho Marx
Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! — Groucho Marx
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies. — George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war? — George Carlin
I only read biographies, metaphysics and psychology. I can dream up my own fiction. — Mae West
You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality. — Ayn Rand
Any place I hang my head is home. — Groucho Marx
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason — George Carlin
The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name. — Arthur Conan Doyle
I have neither the scholar's melancholy, which is emulation; nor the musician's, which is fantastical; nor the courtier's, which is proud; not the soldier's which… — William Shakespeare
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! — Groucho Marx
Do you mind if I don't smoke? — Groucho Marx
The past does not equal the future. — Tony Robbins
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them… — George Carlin
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian. — Woody Allen
The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light, They'd rather stay at home at night.… — Dorothy Parker
I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress? — Mae West
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? — Mae West

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: