Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence. — Woody Allen
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. — Will Rogers
No one can have everything, so you have to try for what you want most. — Mae West
I saw what a mess a lot of people could make of their lives when they're smitten. Some of them go temporarily insane. They find… — Mae West
While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, The fate of empires and the fall of kings; While quacks of State must each produce his… — Robert Burns
Why join the navy if you can be a pirate? — Steve Jobs
This looks like one of those unwelcome social summonses which call upon a man either to be bored or to lie. — Arthur Conan Doyle
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel. — Groucho Marx
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. — Oscar Wilde
This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting… — Groucho Marx
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. — Woody Allen
When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had… — Winston Churchill
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. — Voltaire
Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her.… — Jerome K. Jerome
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. — George Carlin
You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean to say, there is something… — P.G. Wodehouse
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. — Steven Wright
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. — Ashleigh Brilliant
I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt… — Jerome K. Jerome
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world and it's efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding… — Mark Twain
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. — Groucho Marx
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! — Groucho Marx
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you… — Groucho Marx
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. — Hector Berlioz
The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the… — Mark Twain

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: