Humorous Quotes

1582 Humorous quotes by 573 unique authors

I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short. — Shelley Winters
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. — Norman Wisdom
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a… — P.G. Wodehouse
Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. — P.G. Wodehouse
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. — P.G. Wodehouse
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. — P.G. Wodehouse
Every author really wants to have letters printed in the papers. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and… — P.G. Wodehouse
The truth is more important than the facts. — Frank Lloyd Wright
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. — Frank Lloyd Wright
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. — Frank Lloyd Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. — Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. — Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. — Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. — Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' — Steven Wright
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high,… — Steven Wright
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team,… — Frank Zappa
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. — Frank Zappa
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. — Frank Zappa
I'll sleep when I'm dead. — Warren Zevon
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work. — Emile Zola
Comedy is to force us to observe ourselves in ways that are humorous and yet, at the end of the day, that cause us enough… — Michael Eric Dyson
I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases,… — Woody Allen
I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them. — Mae West

Who Wrote These Humorous Quotes

573 authors contributed a total of 1,582 Humorous Quotes, led by these top contributors: