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Funny Quotes by Demetri Martin
- I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
- This is a pie chart about procrastination.
- Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That guy…
- I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult…
- I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm...…
- I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in…
- I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
- I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"
- Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
- A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
- I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.
- I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
- I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
- I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said,…
- If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
- I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
- My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
- I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
- I love Steven Wright.
- I never set out to do a sketch show.
- But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as…
- Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people…
- The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny…
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More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin