All Demetri Martin Quotes
- I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. Bought
- I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. Bummed
- I ordered a wake-up call the other day. The phone rang and a woman's voice said, 'What the hell are you doing with your life?' Call
- I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my… Ahead
- Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan,… All
- Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks. Any
- Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them. Better
- The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import). Australia
- I have a time machine at home. It only goes forward at regular speed Forward
- Every fight is a food fight when youre a cannibal. Cannibal
- A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either Burlap
- How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray. Doe
- There is a small, but important, difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Difference
- I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front of… Asshole
- I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. Day
- My policy is no stone throwing regardless of housing situation. Housing
- I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone. Alone
- Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use… Anyone
- It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy: Location, location, location. Adult
- I think they named the orange before the carrot. Carrot