Best Demetri Martin Quotes
- I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult… Better
- I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm...… Actually Never
- I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in… Baby
- I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music". Ambivalent
- I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues" Abandonment
- Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!' Always Bad
- To me, comedy is a game. Comedy
- A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay. Dream
- A power nap, is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you Inspirational
- I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately. Cameras
- Batteries are the most dramatic object. Other things stop working or they break, But Batteries... They Die. Batteries
- I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable. Funny
- If someone throws a pie at your face, just open your mouth really wide and say, 'Thanks for feeding me, a**hole.' Face
- Clowns have no respect for pie. Clown
- I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. Funny
- I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I… Birthday
- I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you… Behavior
- I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the… Bite
- I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Finish
- My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach,… Always Get
- I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said,… Funny
- I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters… All
- Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. Computer
- If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Fat
- Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Both
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