Best Demetri Martin Sayings
- I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed… Ability
- I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to… Believe
- The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Attack
- Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming,… Confusing
- The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Allows
- A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. Backseat
- I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Buy
- Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. Apologize
- If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. Amputee
- I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering.… Avoid
- I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. All
- The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door. All
- When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Catapults
- A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just… Candy
- I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney.… All
- I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. Guess
- If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and… Building
- A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little… Bumper
- I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. Always Excited
- My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. All
- And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day,… Day
- I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. Attracted
- I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. Actual
- Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. Ideas
- Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Another Term
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